“Of course. I don’t mean you wouldn’t be part of his life. I simply meant having a baby is no reason to stay together.”
Jayson quirks his brow. “You have changed your opinion in such a short amount of time, agape mou.”
I frown. “What are you talking about?”
“At the Kakos party, you said the needs of a child, particularly a young one, had to come before the wants of the parents. Our baby needs both of us, no matter how much you want to leave me.”
I flinch, remembering the conversation. Squirming, I’m unable to refute it. I do truly feel that way, but the idea of remaining trapped in a marriage to a man who has manipulated and used me brings tears to my eyes. Blinking them away, I set my mouth into a firm line. “You’re right. He needs us, but I want no semblance of a marriage with you, Jayson. We’ll return to our previous arrangement, one of roommates instead of lovers.”
He curses softly. “Why must you be so childish about this, Harper? You want to deny us the pleasure we can give each other because of some childish need for revenge?”
My mouth drops and I whip my head to the side to glare at him. “It isn’t a childish need for revenge. I can’t share my body with someone I don’t trust.”
Jayson scowls. “Fine, Harper. If we are to return to our previous arrangement, don’t expect me to wait at home for scraps of affection.”
“I’m sure you can find what you need elsewhere,” I retort coldly, though my heart tears into pieces at the thought of him with another woman. Yet I can’t have it both ways. It’s devastating to imagine him with a mistress, but I’m too hurt to be his wife.
The next few years stretch before me, a wasteland of emptiness. While I can’t regret conceiving a child, I fervently wish it is with a man who loves me as much as I love Jayson. In my heart, I want no other man but him, but without trust, what future could we have?
Chapter 33
Harper
The next few weeks are a haze. I’m going through the motions of everyday activities without feeling anything at all. No, that’s not exactly true. I’m terrified of the future. I’m also terrified of my physical reaction to Jayson. Whenever he’s near, I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not going to touch him.
Because it’s all I want to do.
Am I refusing to have sex to punish him? Or am I just punishing myself? I didn’t think I was that petty. It’s difficult to look at Jayson without remembering the sharp agony of discovering the true reason for our marriage. That agony has faded to a duller, constant ache, but being near him is still torture.
To want him at the same time? It’s crazy.
At least Jayson seems to have dropped the idea of Sophie marrying Loukas. Tension remains between them, but it looks as if they’ve declared a tentative truce. Sophie is due to depart for college next week. She decided to go earlier than she originally planned, since we ended the vacation so abruptly. I suspect she’s probably escaping before Jayson changes his mind.
If only I could escape so easily. The atmosphere is stifling. It makes me want to run screaming from the house, though that wouldn’t solve anything. Until the baby is older, I’m trapped in a loveless marriage with Jayson.
It depresses me to visualize another few years of an empty relationship, let alone a lifetime. At least before we went to bed together, I convinced myself I didn’t love him any longer. I also had Sophie as a focus of my attention. What will I do with myself from the time Sophie leaves until the baby comes?
In truth, I’ve started to look forward to having the baby, but it’s difficult to muster enth
usiasm when I’m feeling so low.
The next few days drift by, and I’m lost in my own thoughts. Once Sophie leaves the household in a week, I’m even more lost and lonely, but can’t reach out to Jayson. He would likely offer comfort—and perhaps suggest we try to build a real marriage again—but I can’t risk exposing myself to more pain.
A few days later with Sophie gone, I’m in in the study, attempting to focus my attention on a natural health pregnancy book. It’s one of a stack I discovered on the table near Jayson’s desk. Jayson’s the only one who could have purchased the books, since it’s unlikely one of the housemaids or the cook would have bought them. It touches my heart that he is so involved with the pregnancy, and yet it’s confusing. How can he be so thoughtful, and such a liar at the same time?
The door opens, but I don’t look up. I’m sure it’s one of the maids. Jayson left for the office hours ago, and he’s coming home later and later each evening. I can’t help wondering if he’s found a mistress to fulfill his needs. It shouldn’t hurt if he has. So why can I barely breathe when imagining it?
As the door closes I look up, alerted to his presence through some subtle sixth sense I’ve developed when it comes to him. “Hello.” How difficult it is to get out the simple greeting and keep my voice neutral.
“Hello.” He casts a glance at the books on the table, along with the one on my lap, looking sheepish. “It’s probably too early to buy those…”
I manage a small smile. “I guess you can’t start preparing for this kind of thing too early.”
He nods. “Do you have a moment?”
I hesitate. “Why?”
“I want to show you something.”