But then before I could take a bite I started to cry harder, because now ice cream only made me think of Jude.
Jude.
Jude.
Jude.
He was every-fucking-where.
He’d invaded every aspect of my life without me even realizing that he had.
Rowan ignored my tears. I guessed she’d decided to let me cry it out.
After a few minutes where the only sound in the room was my hiccupping sobs, she said, “Trent’s family is throwing a Memorial Day barbeque. I want you to come.”
Composing myself, I choked, “Is h-he going to be there?” I knew she’d know which he I meant. After all, there could only be one I was referring to.
Rowan shrugged. “He’s invited, but I don’t know if he’ll come or not.”
I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. “I’ll think about it.”
“That’s better than no.” She smiled and set the ice cream aside when it was obvious that even its sugary goodness couldn’t tempt me. “Let’s go out.”
“I don’t want to,” I frowned, my shoulders sagging with a sigh.
“Just for dinner,” she pleaded. “You need to get out and you have to eat. It’s a win-win.”
I couldn’t very well argue with that. Besides, I need to push past my sadness over the situation with Jude and find that strong girl I used to be once more.
With startling clarity I realized that Jude didn’t take away my strength. He gave it to me. He lifted me up, and didn’t drag me down. He pushed me to be better.
I began to toy with my bottom lip as my thoughts began to show me what I’d been too blinded by hurt and stubborn proudness to see.
Jude made me better.
He didn’t change me, he just helped me improve upon the person I was.
I’d been too mad to see that and grasping at reasons to stay mad at him.
God, I’d been so stupid.
I stood hastily and my hand flew to my mouth. I thought I might be sick.
“Tatum—” Rowan started.
I lowered my hand and took a deep, steadying breath. “You were right,” I gasped, “I’ve been so stupid. I…I…I was so hurt over seeing him with Brooke, and pissed over my own reaction. I hated that I cared so much, but I can see now that if I hadn’t got upset that would’ve been more disconcerting.” I shook my head, my hair falling forward to frame my face. “What the fuck is wrong with me?” I lifted my head to look at her. “Why do I do this to myself? Why do I push everyone away?”
Rowan wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. “You’re so much like me,” she whispered in my ear. “I did the same thing with Trenton. Over and over again I pushed him away because I was scared to love him.” She stepped back but rested her hands on my shoulders. “But being without him was the worst kind of pain I’ve ever felt.”
“I-I need to go to him,” I stuttered, looking around for my purse and car keys. I couldn’t remember where I’d laid them when we came inside.
Rowan reached out and grabbed my arm, halting my frantic search. “It’s late, Tate. Wait till morning.”
My face fell. “Has he moved on?”
“God, Tatum,” she rolled her eyes, “don’t be ridiculous.”
“I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me,” I frowned.