“So he’s using me and our baby to heal his wounds?”
“No.” Liam squeezed her hands. “That’s not what I’m saying, love. Neither of us wanted you pregnant simply to fix the past or repeat a pattern. We’re certainly not playing a game. Just because the babe you carry isn’t the first between us doesn’t mean he or she will be any less special in our eyes.”
Liam was right, and she had to stop letting insecurity run away with her. Knee-jerking with her emotions and not thinking before she reacted was an old pattern and always complicated the situation.
“Sorry. That was an unfair question.”
“But an understandable one.” He caressed her face. “Raine, you’re so special to us. There’s no comparison, so don’t think otherwise.”
“I’ll try.” Raine knew she’d have to work hard at that.
“I know you will.”
She tried to absorb Liam’s story, but there was one thing she simply couldn’t understand. “What kind of woman could end her child by ending her own life? I don’t mean to pass judgment but…”
“Juliet had problems. I doubt she even thought about the babe when she made her choice.”
Raine placed a protective hand over her belly. “I would never do that. Hammer should know. Tell him. I couldn’t—”
Liam nudged her palm aside. “That’s not what has him turned inside out, love. He had no idea she was unhappy, much less in despair. Neither of us did.”
Because Juliet didn’t communicate. Raine remembered Seth saying that.
“It’s one reason he’s so different with you,” Liam went on.
Pieces of the Hammer puzzle slid into place. “That explains why he always watched me so closely, why he kept track of my cycles…” She gasped. “Why he kept my medication. Why he was desperate to know the second my period was late. And I fought you both.”
Raine closed her eyes. They’d all gone through hell. If she had known Hammer’s feelings, she would have been more compassionate, more honest. But she had to focus on here and now. Regrets were a waste of time.
“I’m sorry I shut you two out and failed to communicate.” Raine slid her hands down her face, surprised to find her cheeks wet. “Hammer prides himself on having control of every situation and taking care of those around him. Juliet’s suicide must have made him question everything about himself as a man and a Dom.”
“Precisely. The pain and guilt crippled him. He pulled stakes out of New York almost the moment Juliet’s funeral ended. He came here and started over.”
“Then he walled himself off and became the big, bad Dom of Shadows, plowing through one pretty sub after another. He ignored me because I loved him.”
That still hurt.
“More so because he loved you,” Liam countered softly. “Fiercely. I saw that the day I arrived. None of the other women mattered to Macen. In his head, if he didn’t touch you, he couldn’t harm you. It was his way of protecting you—and himself. He’s afraid to give anyone the power to truly hurt him again.”
“But his aloofness only hurt us more. It still does now.”
“I know it feels as if he’s slipping away from us. I don’t mind saying that scares me, love. I’ve tried to reach him, but he shuts me out.” Liam frowned. “He’s stalled. Stuck. Now that he finally has the life he’s wanted, he’s scared shitless of losing it. He loves you far more than he ever did Juliet. If something happened and he no longer had you and the baby in his life, it would end him for good.”
“I’m fine. I’m careful. I’m—”
“Human and vulnerable. Bill nearly made his worst nightmare a reality. It messed with Macen’s head.”
Raine knew that morning had taken a toll on everyone. “Bill is gone, and nothing that bastard did could drive me over the edge.”
“I know. But Hammer has only cared about two women, and he’s shared them both with me. The first time didn’t end well. When she died, neither of us knew she was pregnant. You almost died, and we had no notion you were expecting, either. In both cases, he was powerless to stop the worst from happening. The parallels disturb him.”
“He doesn’t want to lose me but he’s pulling away?”
Liam gave a sad laugh. “It sounds mad, but fear isn’t logical, love. As you well know.”
Raine couldn’t disagree.
After her abduction, she’d known she would have to deal with her trauma, but it had seemed possible because she’d believed Liam and Hammer would be beside her, every moment, every step, every day for the rest of their lives. But soon Macen had begun drifting away. She’d been so confused and angry and hurt. Hammer had begun acting more like her bodyguard and caregiver than her Dom and lover.
Now it made sense.
Ignoring her screaming insecurities wasn’t easy, but her therapist had coached her about stepping outside of her emotions and looking at things logically. Hammer was quick to help others…and slower than molasses to ask for anything in return. When he screwed up, he barely apologized. For years, she’d assumed he simply had too much pride. But she knew now he tried to deal with his issues alone because he didn’t want to affect others. After Liam’s revelation this morning, she could see that Hammer had shut down because he hadn’t forgiven himself for failing to rescue her from Bill. He’d closed himself off years ago after not saving his pregnant wife.