She’s sitting cross-legged on the bed now. Her eyes flash in my direction. “I couldn’t stand the thought of anyone else getting to be near you when I couldn’t. I wanted to comfort you.”
I swallow and look down at my knees. I don’t know what to tell her. How hard I should try to drive her away. Really hard, my conscience says. I take a breath and blow it out. “You know I’m going to get really sick. Sicker than this. A lot sicker.”
She nods slowly. “I don’t want that, but if happens, I can handle it.”
She doesn’t know. She’s only had a taste of this, a few days.
When I look up again, I find her looking curious. “Did Whitney stay here with your brother, just like this?”
I nod, trying not to let her see that it bothers me to talk about him. “She would hold his hands while someone pushed a catheter into his cock. She would let him vomit all over them both. She’s a freak. She’s a med student now.”
“Maybe I’m a freak.”
My stomach twists. “I don’t know why you would be.”
“Because I love you.”
> He swallows carefully and looks back at me. “Cleo, it’s a burden. If you don’t feel that way... you haven’t been here long enough.”
“It’s not a burden. How could helping you get better be a burden?”
He clutches his forehead, his fingertips digging into his blond hair. “You gave me love...” he rasps, “and all I can give you is pain.”
I close the gap between us and wrap both arms around his narrow waist. I lay my cheek against his chest. “That’s not true.” I look up at him. “You give me you, and that’s a gift. You can give you talking to me. I want to know everything there is to know about you, Kellan.”
“I don’t know why.”
“Lie down with me. C’mon... Pretty please?”
I take his right hand, tugging him along with me, and hold his IV lines while he lies on his side. I watch him shift his left shoulder a few times, then—when I think he seems comfortable—I climb beside him and urge him onto his back.
I lean over him, dragging my fingers down his cheeks. “Close your eyes. Focus on my fingers.” I kiss his chin, but keep on tickling his cheek. “Is your father your only living family?”
“No.” He works his jaw. “I have a brother. Barrett. He’s a Ranger, special forces. Just retired.”
“You don’t like your father much, do you? I remember that from R.’s letters.”
His eyes come, hard, to mine. “Lyon had a heart attack because the chemo was too harsh. He wanted to withdraw from the trial we did but my dad pushed him to stay in. Bullied him.”
“I’m so sorry.” I hug him and wrap my arm around his hips. “That sounds like an awful time.”
“I got treatments out of this hotel, The Carlyle, and after hours I would go to bars, and drink and smoke. Fuck. I had a girlfriend, sort of. But I started... needing sex. I had a central line like this—” his hand hovers above his chest—“so I would tie them up and fuck them from behind. Some of them knew me from the televised games. They would do whatever I asked.”
I bite the inside of my cheek and try to picture this—my Kellan younger, and so lost. “That must have been hard.”
His forehead furrows.
“I mean clearly you were in denial, right?”
He quirks one brow. “It was definitely hard.”
“Where was Lyon during that time?”
“He was inpatient. He had a bad reaction to the chemo from day one. It made his heart fuck up.”
I think on that. I try to picture younger Kellan out at bars, while his twin was sick. I think of Kellan holding the counter in his kitchen, chewing a Xanax because he missed his brother so much. I meet his gaze. It seems to shove at me.
“I could have stayed with him.” He grits his teeth. “I didn’t. He was by himself. Whit had no idea. After the night on the yacht—after we found out he had it—he broke things off with Whitney and he left the team. People found out about both things, but no one knew why or what happened. Some fuckhead made a crack about him, how he wasn’t good enough to hold his spot on the team, and I kicked his ass outside a bar one night. So when I got my diagnosis, coach used me as an example.” Kellan’s teeth come down atop his lower lip. “It was different with me than with Ly. The whole thing became more of a secret.”