“Yes, tonight. I’m not sticking around, Kas. Let’s push your buttons. See if it triggers your PTSD again.”
“Fuck off, Jareth. I told you, I’m not masturbating in front of you.” I grinned nastily. “Then again, maybe this isn’t about me, after all. Maybe you missed me after eleven years of not having me in your bed.”
“Fuck you.” Jareth flipped up his middle finger, his eyes gleaming with shared history. “My cock and your cock were never involved, thank God.” He dropped his hand and pointed at Gemma instead. “But your cock and her pussy are very much involved. And you know as well as I do that some triggers are harder to overcome than others.” His voice dropped from harsh harassment to genuine concern. “You truly want to run the risk that a silly thing like unresolved issues might end the future you guys obviously want?”
Gemma glanced at me.
I glanced at my crotch.
As much as I hated him pointing out the obvious, he was right.
I’d opened myself up to my memories which had somehow allowed them to disperse and scatter, leaving my head clearer and quieter than it had in all the years of trying to repress them. But that? Willingly touching myself?
I didn’t think I was ready.
I didn’t know if I’d ever be ready to endure the flames of agony that burned my palms whenever I tried to masturbate. The physical pain was a phantom—I knew that—but it was too ingrained in my psyche to ignore. To linked to horrors that’d turned my body against me, made me the monster, the rapist, and the sick seducer.
Jareth shot from his seat and brought the bottle of alcohol to me. Grabbing my empty glass, he poured another drink right to the top. Wordlessly, he patted my shoulder before moving back to his chair. Adding more to his own glass, he raised it and waited until I did the same.
Saluting the air between us, we shot it back.
The burn worked its way down my throat and into my belly, licking with heat and sudden lust. My libido had tormented me on and off throughout the years. It’d grown overwhelming when Gem arrived, but now...now it was afraid.
Afraid of realizing that for all my promises of making a choice, I might not have one where touching myself was concerned.
I might snap again.
I might black out.
I might forget...
Gem shifted next to me, her thigh aligning with mine. Electricity sparked between us, crackling with awareness and that special zing that said she was the one for me. The one born and destined to be mine.
Slowly, as if she moved underwater, her hand landed on my thigh.
My nostrils flared as she inched her fingers upward, sliding between my legs. Sudden, heady need coiled in my gut, making me harden.
I held my breath as she traced the outline of my cock, rapidly swelling the longer she sat so close. Her fingers teased me with a barely-there stroke designed to make me mad.
Sucking in her bottom lip, she placed her palm over me, her hand warm even through my shorts. Rubbing me up and down, she made my eyes flutter, turning heavy with desire and submission to give in.
Jareth sniffed and reclined, not saying a word.
Sex in front of someone wasn’t new to me. It’d become normal thanks to the open doors and sharing protocol between guests. But this...it wasn’t like that.
This was private.
This was more intense than anything in my life.
Ripping my eyes away from Jareth, I jolted as Gem fisted me, squeezing me as best she could with my shorts still baring her skin from mine. Shifting onto her knees, she inhaled fast and shallow as she reached for my hand with her free one.
Her touch was like fire on my flesh.
My instincts screamed to pull away and not let her do this. But the whispers and memories in my head encouraged me. All the times I’d supported my family. All the tears I’d wiped from their faces and all their screams I’d swallowed so Storymaker wouldn’t punish my loved ones, reminded me that if I could do that for them, then I could do this for me.
With gritted teeth, I let Gem guide my hand to where she fisted me.
Every muscle in my body stiffened as she splayed my hand and placed it where hers had been, wrapping my own fingers around my erection.
The neat bourbon buzzed in my veins, giving me false confidence to do something I hadn’t been able to do in years. With my right hand cupping myself beneath Gem’s touch and my left gripping the armrest of the couch, I fought the rush of sickness, the shortness of breath, the chaos inside my head as she forced my fingers to fondle.
Pleasure shot through my belly as I squeezed.
Dread, disgust, and detestation followed swiftly after.