All I could do was jerk my head back and forth because my mouth couldn’t form the words. My body started to shake, and the dreaded hot and cold sensations began to hit my body in violent waves. I shook my head harder in the hopes that Luca would get the message and leave me be. But when he rubbed his fingers over mine and whispered, "Remy," it was too much. I choked back a sob as I pushed him away and climbed out of the bed.
I bypassed the attached bathroom and hurried to the one that was part of the third guestroom, since I didn't want to chance waking Violet. I stumbled a few times as I made my way into the bathroom and got the water going. My blood was racing through my veins so fast it actually hurt. I felt betrayed by my body. All these weeks I'd managed to keep the urge at bay, but here it was, stronger than ever. It felt like I was going through withdrawals all over again.
When the water was as cold as it could be, I didn't bother trying to take my clothes off because the tips of my fingers actually hurt. I was in the process of stepping into the shower when a hand closed over my wrist.
"Remy, wait," Luca said and then he was drawing me back.
"No!" I shouted. "Please, I need to…" I began, but the rest of the words wouldn't come. The humiliation was as painful as the physical symptoms I was experiencing. I tried to tell myself that I was the one in control, but that had never been further from the truth. All the strength I’d somehow managed to find in the past to fight this thing had deserted me in a big way.
I expected Luca to try to calm me down or argue with me in some kind of way, especially once he reached out to touch the water. But his eyes settled on me for only a moment and then he was taking my arm and helping me into the frigid spray of the shower. I cried out when the water hit my skin but there was also an instantaneous feel of relief… temporary as it might be. Shame crawled through me as I relished the feel of the icy water stinging my skin and drenching my clothes. I hated that Luca was seeing me like this, but I didn't have the energy to ask him to leave. I turned my head so I wouldn’t be tempted to look at him.
But within seconds of me getting into the shower, there was movement behind me and to my surprise, a moment later, Luca was at my back.
"Luca, what are you—" was all I got out before he wrapped his arms around me from behind and drew me back against his chest. The move stunned me into silence. But only for as long as it took me to accept that the still-dressed man had just stepped into an icy cold shower with me just so he could offer comfort. There was no recrimination or judgment.
Just him.
All the emotions I’d been trying to hold in check came flooding back and I began to sob uncontrollably. I could feel Luca's mouth by my ear, and I knew he was whispering words into it, but the roaring in my head was too loud for me to actually hear anything. It didn't matter, though, because he was there.
I allowed him to turn me in his arms and draw me forward until I was enveloped in his grip. I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that—him holding me as I cried for everything I'd lost. But at some point, the water temperature changed. I hadn't even felt Luca move, but somehow, he’d managed to turn the water to warm.
"Is it okay?" Luca asked, his lips skimming my neck. I was wrapped around him like a vine. The muscles of his back flexed beneath my fingers. I knew he was talking about the fact that he’d turned the water to a warmer setting. He was clearly concerned that I was still fighting the onslaught of need for heroin. The fact that he’d figured out why I'd gotten into the cold shower fully dressed should have been embarrassing, but maybe I was just too tired to care.
I nodded. While the water was warm, it wasn’t really warming me up. Luca must've realized that because he kept slowly turning the water temperature higher and higher, letting my body adjust a little each time as I continued to hold on to him. It took a few minutes for the heat to finally penetrate my chilled skin, but when it did a wave of exhaustion slid over me and instead of just clinging to Luca for comfort, I was holding on to him to stay upright. His arm around my waist felt strong and solid.