“Yeah, perfect, except for our families wanting to kill us for being together – both figuratively, and apparently, literally.”
“It’s horribly romantic, actually. You two are like Romeo and Juliet. Only, you know: with two dudes.”
“That’s super comforting, Catherine. Since Romeo and Juliet both died.”
“Shit. Bad example.”
She was flipping through a series of online menus with the TV remote as she was talking, and I said, “Just don’t pick a chick flick, ok? I can’t take anything flowery and romantic right now.”
“As if.” the lights dimmed and she set the remote on the nightstand. The opening credits to The Shining appeared on the screen as she took a swig of Diet Coke and reached for the chips.
“Oh no. Not this,” I told her. “Anything but this.”
“What’s wrong with The Shining? It’s a classic!”
“This movie scares the crap out of me. I’ve never been able to watch the whole thing. Come on, pick something else.”
She fell over onto the bed, laughing hysterically. She was dabbing her eyes and saying, “Shit, there goes my mascara,” as she sat up again, then said, “C’mon, Jamie. You’re a big, tough cop. You can handle a little horror movie.”
“Yeah, no. I’m telling you, this movie freaks the hell out of me. Turn on something else. Please.”
She was still giggling as she picked up the remote and accessed the menu feature again. She pushed a couple buttons and said, “Here, is this better?” She’d selected Silence of the Lambs.
“Oh come on! This is not better!”
“Oh my God! This one?” She pulled up another film.
“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Now you’re just fucking with me.”
“Maybe a little,” she grinned, and scrolled down the menu.
“Nothing with Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, Chucky, or more than twenty gallons of fake blood, please.”
“It’s so cute that you’re such a wimp,” she said cheerfully, and then she gestured at the tv and said, “How about this?”
“Yeah, ok. I can do Alien.”
“Ha! Sci fi nerdiness triumphs over horror movie wimpiness.”
I rolled my eyes and took the chips from her, and said, “You know, I just met you, and already I want to put you over my knee and spank you.”
“Ooo! Watch the sexually charged humor, big boy. You may be a raging homosexual, but I’m not.” She winked at me lasciviously.
“Oh God, I didn’t mean–”
Catherine actually slapped her hand over my mouth, grinning broadly as she said, “Kidding, lover. You’re practically married to my cousin, which basically makes you my sister. You couldn’t be less sexually interesting to me.”
“Your family tree is way out of whack if I somehow end up as your sister in that scenario, but ok. Whatever you say.”
“Babe, I’m engaged to my cousin. All I know is out of whack family trees.” She deadpanned that, and then smiled at me happily. “Now let’s see if you can make it through this film without crying for your Mommy.” She stole the chips back from me, then put the bag between us on the bed.
We were only a few minutes from the end of the film, Catherine laughing delightedly while I gasped and cowered and peeked around a corner of the blanket, when Dmitri walked into the room. I hadn’t heard him coming, because Catherine had the surround sound up to rock concert levels.
He stared at us wide-eyed. Catherine grabbed the remote and hit pause, which automatically brought up the lights in the room, then greeted him with, “Well hey there, hubby!”
“Catherine! What the fuck?” he choked out, then shot me a look of absolute panic.
“Bad news,” I said cheerfully. “The wedding’s off. Catherine decided to marry me instead.”
Catherine punched my arm and said, “Don’t tease him.”
“Me! You’re the one that came stomping in here pretending you were a jealous fiancé,” I told her.
“That’s different. I’m allowed to tease him.” She smiled brightly.
“Ok. Wow. I’ve obviously missed something big tonight,” Dmitri said, still staring at us in shock.
I slid out of bed and went to where he was cemented to the area rug, and took him in my arms. He was utterly wooden for a moment, but then I felt him relaxing just a tiny bit as his hands came up to my waist. “Sorry to tease you, baby,” I said. “Catherine’s here because she’s worried about you. She got here a couple hours ago, and we’ve been bonding over horror movies and junk food.”
“This isn’t even a horror movie,” Catherine said as she slid out of bed. “Your boyfriend wouldn’t let me watch a horror movie. He was scared like a tiny wittle baby.” She crossed the room and threw her arms around both of us and exclaimed, “Group hug!”
When she finally let go, she winked at us and said, “So you know, after we’re married, it’ll be just like this. The three of us can have loads of three-ways. I don’t know what I’ll be doing during them, because God knows neither one of you gay boys has the slightest interest in me. But hey, gotta look on the bright side!”