April
The last time I saw Jude Mason, he was leaving but promising he’d be back and begging me to wait. At the time, I didn’t want him to leave. My life had been turned upside down, and he was the only rock keeping me tethered to earth. Even so, I knew he had to go if he and I would ever have a future together. I reasoned that I’d be in college the next four years, and so I could wait for him, keeping myself busy until he returned and we could go off to have the life we dreamed of.
But that’s not what happened.
Right after Jude and I got together, life seemed so perfect. I was living a fairy tale as he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me too. We hadn’t yet figured out how to tell August, but we thought we had time.
And then my world went black. First, my parents were killed in a freak accident on one of their weekend trips away. I was devastated. Sure, I was an adult, but there was so much I still needed to learn. I needed my parents with me. Even now, at twenty-six, I often wish they were here to consult with on life’s challenges. Or better yet, I wish they were here to tell Auggie to chill.
August assumed control of our parent’s assets and a trust for us, and while he was good at managing the money, it made him terrible as a brother. I understood that he saw himself as being responsible for me now that our parents were gone, but he was so controlling of everything I did. When he found out about me and Jude, I thought his head would explode. I couldn’t believe the things he’d said about Jude. They were supposed to be best friends, but he told me Jude wasn’t good enough for me. That he wouldn’t amount to anything.
When Jude told me that he had to go away to make something of himself, I knew that was August’s doing. I went along with Jude’s plan because I figured I’d be busy in college, but then I was dealt another blow.
I was pregnant.
Of all the challenges I went through eight years ago, having a child was the one bit of sunshine. Oh sure, I was terrified to discover I was pregnant, but Maya was the sweetest child. She brought so much joy to my otherwise lackluster life.
But of course, August used my unplanned pregnancy against me saying it proved I was too immature to run my own life. He said I couldn’t go off to college pregnant, so stayed in Bismarck and got my AA at local community college, and my BA through an online college. When I finished, August gave me a job in his recently formed accounting firm. I appreciated the job, but it allowed him to continue to control me at home and work.
Now, eight years later, he still treated me as that eighteen-year-old kid. I’d tried several times to get out from under him. I’d taken a second job as a waitress to earn “escape money.” I’d earn enough to get a place for me and Maya. But I couldn’t keep up with the job as I felt guilty about the time it took away from Maya, and having to lie to August about where I was when I wasn’t home. Eventually, I just accepted my lot in life. I couldn’t complain too much. I had a roof over my head and a wonderful daughter.
Tonight, I was back at the restaurant covering for a sick waitress as I sometimes did. The extra money allowed me to do something fun with Maya since August was such a miser and didn’t like my spending extra money. What I hadn’t expected was to see Jude. All of a sudden, out of the blue, he was here. Why?
A part of me wondered if I’d ever see him again. But now that he was here, I realized that in truth, I thought he’d never come back. He’d gone out in the world and found a life that didn’t include me.
Seeing him was a blow to the gut. His hair was shorter and he seemed harder, not just in his body build, but in his face. I wondered what he’d seen in his military career that made him seem dangerous. My heart filled with residual emotion from eight years ago. All the love and hate and pain vied for attention in my chest. The pain and hate won as I remembered how he promised to come back and never did. Not even when I wrote to tell him I was pregnant.
“What are you doing here?” I blurted out, as if he was ruining everything. He sort of was. I’d resigned myself to my lot in life. I didn’t need him here reminding me of what I could have had.
“We’re getting a bite to eat and a few beers.”
That’s not what I meant and he knew it. But took him at his word, giving him the list of beers we had, and when he and his friend ordered, I left to get them. I set their beers on the table and left, heading outside to get some air. I needed to get myself sorted.
What hell was he doing back in Bismarck? I figured when he never responded to my letters, he was done with me and this place. He left to build a life on his terms. A life that didn’t include me or our child. I could only imagine that he figured August would take care of me and Maya, which he did, but I often felt like I was in a prison. Like August was still punishing me for being with Jude. Thank God he didn’t hold it over Maya.
“Are you alright?”
I spun around to Jude’s deep voice. I slapped on a fake smile. “Yes. Just getting air. Are you and your friend ready to order?”
He studied me. “It’s good to see you, April. You look good.”
While his features seemed darker, I could see the warmth in his eyes that he meant his words. They made me long for the time when he and I were happy.
“What are you doing back in Bismarck?” I asked him.
“I just retired from the Navy and decided to come home to open a security consulting firm with my friend inside.”
I swallowed as I realized he was intending to stay. But he wasn’t back for me and Maya. He hadn’t even asked about her. Did he forget that I wrote and told him I was pregnant? Did he think my claim that I was pregnant was a fake ploy to bring him home as August said he would? At the time, I was sure Jude would believe me, but eventually I came to think that August was right. Either he thought I was lying to bring h
im home, or he didn’t care. Once Jude got out, he never looked back.
My conscience told me that even though he’s walked away from us, he needed to know about Maya. At the same time, the petty part of me said that I had told him about the baby and he’d ignored it. That had been his answer. He didn’t care. He didn’t want to be a father. There was no reason for me to bring her up now.
“I hope your business is successful. Shall we go back in and I’ll take your order?” If I was lucky, this would be the last I’d see of him. Bismarck was big enough that I could avoid him especially if I stopped covering shifts here.
He held the door open for me and we went back inside.
“April, this is Cyrus Blake. Cy, this is the sister of an old friend of mine.”