“I found some board games, how about we play?” I asked. She sighed and looked over at me.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I mean it’s freezing in here.”
“I can turn the heat on in the bedroom and ha
ng out there.” No. What she was offering would be a way for us to avoid each other but it felt childish and I didn’t want her thinking I wanted her gone.
“No, let’s go.”
12
Maggie
How did you imagine your first-ever luxury vacation experience, Maggie? Playing Scrabble with your first one-night stand after a multiple year-long dry spell?
You see, a situation like that wouldn't even be so bad. I wasn’t calling myself a victim because if this was suffering then I didn’t have it bad. My situation was worse because we were stuck in this house together and he didn't want to be here. He was ready to spend exorbitant sums of money to be somewhere else.
I wasn't that sure why it was affecting me so much. I mean, I wanted to be out of here too, maybe it was just the fact that he sounded so angry. He sounded almost desperate to get away from here which meant getting away from me. I knew that things hadn't really gone to plan, and then they had completely gone off the rails when the two of us ended up sleeping together, but it still hurt my feelings a little bit.
My feelings around him didn’t make sense. I resented that he wanted to leave so bad but I wanted to be out of here just as much. I wanted us to keep having sex but I was afraid of falling for him. I wanted to get over the spell that Paul had put on my love life but I was too afraid to fall for anyone again.
My thoughts gave me a headache.
Among my many problems, I wanted the fact that he didn't want to be around me to hurt my feelings. It was none of my business what he wanted. Why was I so bad at this? No matter what, I thought about what he wanted and whether he was comfortable and I swear to God this was how I ended up staying with Paul for such a long time. I thought I had gotten over that programming. I wasn’t supposed to let the feelings and comfort of others override my self-care.
“I'm okay right here,” I said to him.
“Okay,” he said. He plopped the boxes on the little table next to my chair and looked for somewhere to sit. My eyes widened. I didn’t mean that as an invitation for him to come here and sit with me. The point of coming here was making sure we didn’t cross paths. The damn cabin was big enough to make sure it didn’t have to happen often. He wanted to be away from me, right? He pulled the other chair up and sat.
“I only brought a couple, but there are a bunch in the den, if you don’t want to play one of these.” He was really serious, huh? I watched him silently as he lifted the lid off of one of the boxes and check to see that all of the pieces were there. After a little while, he noticed me looking.
“What?” he asked. Might as well get it out. Now was as good a time as any to start a fight.
“Nothing, I just don’t know why you’re here.” He blinked a couple of times and seemed to process that.
“I know you heard me on the phone earlier.”
“What?” I asked.
“When I was in the kitchen? I know you heard me. I know the way I sounded. Listen, that conversation was not about you at all. It’s me. I get cabin fever really easily and I was having a hard time imagining this, being stuck, for much longer.”
I cleared my throat and straightened my back because I wanted to pretend like he hadn’t hurt my feelings when he said what he said on the phone while he was in the kitchen. I felt a little stupid. I had fully taken his words to heart and devised a plan to make him as comfortable as possible by avoiding him since he hated me so much.
Jumping to conclusions like that was going to be the way I ended up in trouble.
“Cabin fever, huh?” I asked.
“We’re in the middle of nowhere and currently, nobody can get to us.” Yeah, I knew that already, I didn’t need his help forming the mental image. I wasn’t really having a walk in the park either, just so he knew.
“To be honest, I don’t want to be out here either, but since we both are, we have to at least remain civil.”
“Definitely. I don’t want you to think that you're the issue here, he said.”
“Of course not. Trust me, out of all the possible partners I could’ve chosen to be snowed in with, you wouldn’t make a list, no offense.” He looked briefly offended but then he smiled and laughed a little bit.
“Okay, fair enough. Both of us would choose to be elsewhere if that was a possibility. Makes sense. Do you want to play?”