Ouch. Talk about things you didn't want to hear in bed.
“I'm sorry?”
“That should not have happened. I should have known that if we were in the same bed, I wouldn't be able to hold myself back.”
“You know, I was here too.”
“I know that.”
“I could have stopped you.”
“I know you could, but I didn't want you to, and you didn't either.”
“That means both of us were complicit. Don’t talk about it like you acted alone,” I said, feeling a little defensive. I didn’t care to fight him but my feelings were hurt and I was being combative.
“Yeah, and look where it got us. I never should have come up here,” he said, scooping his clothes up and getting dressed again.
Double ouch.
I had had some uncomfortable sex in my life, but this was fucking bad. A man I was incredibly attracted to was standing there telling me how much he regretted what we had just been done together. I didn't think there was any way it could get lower. It felt like something heavy sitting in my stomach.
So it was a mistake. I didn’t see why he had to act like it was the end of the world. The fact that my feelings on the matter were so different from his was also chaffing.
“So now what?” I asked.
“I'll go downstairs. You’ll be fine up here,” he said. Well, it looked like the hits were just going to keep coming. I lay back in the bed and tried not to pay attention to him as he got dressed, grabbed a few lights, and finally left the room.
I felt like I could cry, but I almost didn't want to, as if he was still in the room and could see me. It felt foolish to cry because I had walked into the situation knowing that this would be the end. No, I wasn't thinking, that was the point. I hadn't stopped to consider what this part of the interaction would look like and now I knew.
I closed my eyes and wished that I could fall asleep already. I was so embarrassed, but I was thankful that nobody was there to see me.
My body woke me up in the morning. I was alone, predictably. Toby hadn’t decided to surprise me during the night and come back to apologize for making me feel two feet tall last night. Immediately, the memory of what took place last night came flooding back. I pushed the shame away and got out of bed to clean up. I took my time in the shower and got changed. I didn't take time because I wanted to treat myself, it was more because I knew Toby was downstairs and I would have to face him again.
But oh well, couldn't avoid him forever.
I went down the stairs and found the living room empty. He was in the kitchen already started on breakfast. I thought about saying hello to him but didn’t, because I didn't want to and I knew he wasn't losing anything by not hearing from me. I went to the living room and searched for my phone. Doing it, I caught a glance out the glass doors to what was happening outside.
Snow. Still. It was coming down and had come down all night by the looks of it. Perfect. It wasn’t as heavy, but did it even matter anymore?
I looked
at my phone. It was down to only half the battery power which was going to become a problem if this continued. I had a text message from Missy.
Snow is really heavy. Plows can’t make it out.
I called her. Her message was clear, even though it was short but I really wanted to hear someone else's voice. We were so cut off from reality, I was beginning to lose my perspective on real life. Being in the middle of this mess, it was hard to see the forest for the trees.
“Hello?”
“Missy? Hey, I just saw your message.”
“I wish there was more we could do. We've been trying to get the team out there, but even though we've secured some plows, there is no way that they're going to get to you before tomorrow. And that's being optimistic.”
My heart just sank. More and more time out here in the wilderness with Toby. That was just what I wanted.
“Are you sure?”
“We've tried everything. I know you must be going crazy being stuck up there, but you have supplies right? It's not going to be much longer. We're doing everything that we can.”