I hate myself.
But if this is a game—it’s a game, make it a game, Fia. It’s a game and I’m going to win because I am very, very good at games. I have all my pieces in play and I will win.
A note slipped under Ms. Robertson’s door that night saying Eden is planning on sneaking out at three a.m. Sorry, Eden. You were a very effective piece of the game, but your part is done.
Also I still don’t like you.
As soon as I hear Ms. Robertson hauling Eden back to her room, I slip out and go to the main desk.
I dial Ryan’s cell from the phone there.
It rings several times—don’t go to voice mail, don’t!—and then a groggy voice answers.
“Ryan!” I whisper, letting myself sound on the verge of tears. Tears are a lie and I am so good at lying. “It’s me, Lucy. Ashley got caught by her mom! I barely managed to avoid it. Are you guys already at the Jacuzzi? I don’t think we can meet you. And . . .” (I hate myself I do I hate myself so much) “Ashley is the one who had the condoms. I’m so sorry.” I pause. “Ryan? Are you guys at the Jacuzzi?”
“Who is this?” a man’s stern voice says. I squeak and hang up the phone.
Then I run. Their suite is perfectly placed on a corner on the second floor. It was way too easy to follow them there after dinner and case it. I freeze just out of view and wait.
The door opens. I don’t hesitate—I can’t. I slip around the corner and watch as their dad storms down the hall in his robe. If he turns around, if he waits to make sure his door clicks closed and automatically locks, I am caught.
He doesn’t so much as look over his shoulder. It was the condom mention, I think. Hadn’t planned that one but it felt right.
Oh, Ryan, I’m so sorry.
Their dad left a few lights on and I hurry through their main room into the master bedroom. His laptop is on the desk. I flip it open, and a small part of me hopes—prays—that he has it password protected.
I am greeted by a grinning photo of Ty and Ryan. Their laughing faces are a knife in my gut. This is a good dad, I think. A good man.
I put in the jump drive and wait while it uploads, then I hide the folders in an obscure location where someone who doesn’t password protect his personal laptop certainly will not think to look.
The drive is ejected. The laptop is closed. I leave as silently as I came.
Ty and Ryan will be punished, and that sucks. But they’ll be okay.
I know—deep down inside—that their dad will not be okay after what I did.
When I get back to our room, I climb into Annie’s bed, lying as close to her as I can. She doesn’t wake up, because when she is happy she sleeps so deeply nothing can wake her up.
Everything is wrong.
But I won the game.
Annie will keep being happy.
ANNIE
Six Weeks Before Keane
FIA AND I EAT LUNCH ALONE TOGETHER EVERY DAY. She walks me to my classes. She hisses at mean girls when she thinks I can’t hear her. I had to make her promise not to get in a fight with Bella, even though Bella hasn’t so much as talked to me since last year. Fia hates her.
I’m too tired to hate her. And I understand, I think, why Bella is so scared of me. I know her secret, and she can’t lash out at her dad, so she went after me instead. Made sure no one would talk to or believe me.
No one calls. No one comes over. We sit on Aunt Ellen’s couch (because everything here is still Aunt Ellen’s, always) and Fia describes the TV shows to me.
I want to cry, all the time, because nothing will ever change. I hate living here, I hate this school, I hate myself. This is all my fault, and I’m so trapped, and because I’m trapped, Fia is, too.
I don’t know what I’d do without her, but I hate that she’s tied to me. It’s not fair to her. She shouldn’t be stuck in the same life I am. The life that will never change.