I owed him that.
“When my dad got home, I was crazy with worry. And then he told me your dad… that he was gone, and I just couldn’t believe it. I begged him to take me to see you. When he said no, I lost it and began screaming at him. I told him you needed me. He was so pissed,” I murmured as I recalled the fury in my father’s eyes as I’d stood up to him for the first time in my life.
“Did he hurt you?” Xander asked. I felt the fingers of his other hand come up to play with my hair.
I shook my head. “No, he just grabbed me and told me never to speak to him like that again. Then he reminded me of our deal.”
Xander’s body locked up and suddenly he was rolling me onto my back and leaning over me. “What deal?”
I didn’t realize I’d started chewing on my lower lip until his thumb came up to force my teeth to let go of the tender flesh, and then he was stroking over the sore spot with the pad of his finger. The need to be doing something with my own hands had me reaching up to clasp his arm. I let my fingers trace over the muscles there and immediately felt more relaxed.
“Right before school started, my dad confronted me and said some stuff. He thought we were getting too close… closer than friends should be. He wanted it to stop. I knew what he was talking about, because I’d started feeling things for you that went beyond friendship,” I admitted.
“Me too,” he whispered, and then he leaned down to brush his mouth over mine. Pain ratcheted through my entire body at the reminder of everything I’d given up because I hadn’t been brave enough to admit who I was back then.
“Keep going,” Xander murmured as he let his fingers stroke over my cheek. Having some of his weight pressing down on me was oddly grounding and gave me the strength I needed to continue.
“He said if I didn’t put some distance between us, he’d have the school revoke your scholarship, and he’d fire your dad. He said you guys would have to move out of Greenwich.”
Xander’s eyes flared with anger. But his touch remained gentle.
“I couldn’t lose you, Xander. I just couldn’t. So, I did it. That day in school… our first day…” I began, but my voice cracked so badly I couldn’t continue.
Xander pressed his forehead to mine. “I get it, baby,” he said softly. “It’s okay.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not. I saw your face. I know what you thought.” Before he could deny it to try and spare my feelings, I hurried on. “The night your dad died, my dad said that I was going to have the pool party for the guys from my crew team as planned, and that if I talked to you at all, he’d follow through on having your scholarship taken away. But if I did what he said, he’d let you and your aunt live in the caretaker’s cottage for free until you finished school.” I shook my head. “I thought losing you for one night would be better than losing you forever, Xander,” I croaked.
“Benny—”
“No, let me finish, please,” I managed to get out. I wiped at the tears that had started to fall against my will.
“I was like a zombie when the guys started showing up. I didn’t swim at all… just sat in one of the patio chairs the whole time while I watched those guys swimming in my pool, eating my food… it was all so fucking normal. But inside I was screaming. I wanted to tell them all to get the fuck out so I could find you. I wanted to crawl into your bed and hang onto you and tell you that everything would be okay, even though I knew it wouldn’t be.”
“Fuck, Benny,” Xander whispered, and then he was lying on his side and pulling me against his chest so his lips were pressed against my forehead. I welcomed the ability to press my face against his throat. His arms were like steel bands around my upper body.
“My dad came to tell me that you were at the door. He said if I didn’t turn you away…”
I didn’t finish the statement because I didn’t need to. I couldn’t bring myself to rehash those few moments when Xander had reached for me, tears slipping down his cheeks, arms stretched out, my name a broken whisper on his lips. But just because I couldn’t say it, didn’t mean I wasn’t reliving it.
“Oh God, Xander, I’m so fucking sorry.” I curled myself into his chest, grateful that he wasn’t pushing me away, because I’d never needed anything more in that moment than to feel him holding me so tight that I’d never have to worry about him letting me go. It was so much more than I’d given him fifteen years ago. I didn’t deserve it, but I took it anyway.