“But—” he said sleepily. “I’m fine, I promise.”
“I know, baby. But I’m really tired. Would it be okay with you if we just rested a little bit? I don’t think I can walk all that way just yet. I’m sorry,” I said softly, feeling his breathing regulate before I even got the words out.
By the time I got us laid back down in the sleeping bag, he was snoring gently in my arms, and I tried my hardest not to hold him to me in a death grip to make up for nearly costing him everything.
Instead of falling asleep with him, all I could think about was how many stupid ways I’d let him down or hurt him. Everything from ripping into him the moment he’d stepped off that bus, to fucking him in the woods against a tree and then accusing him of cheating, to letting him attempt a river crossing that was way too fucking dangerous. I’d known better. I’d known better and yet I’d let us try it anyway against my better judgement. And then I’d almost lost him.
Again.
Chapter 28
Bennett
I was finally warm. Warmer than I’d been in a long time. It kind of made me wonder if I was dead. But were you supposed to still feel pain when you were dead? Because both my head and arm hurt, though not badly.
When enough awareness returned that I could feel the hot, rough fingers skimming up and down my spine, I knew that, despite the pain, I had to be dead.
Because there was only one person’s fingers they could be. And the fact that I could feel them on my skin meant one thing.
I was finally where I’d wanted to be for so very long.
Naked in bed with Xander.
Okay, so bed was a stretch, but the sleeping bag was almost better. Even if the ground was hard beneath us, sharing one bag meant there was no choice but to be pressed up against one another. I wanted to believe I was draped across his chest with my palm laying directly over his heart because he wanted me there, but I wasn’t going to hope for something that would only cause me pain when reality intruded once again.
“Where are we?” I asked.
“We’re still by the river. We need to wait for the storm to pass.”
His voice was strange. It was off somehow, but I couldn’t put my finger on what the problem was.
“Are you okay, Xander?” I asked. I didn’t shift my position because I almost didn’t want to look at him. I was afraid I’d see something in his eyes that I didn’t want to see.
“No, Bennett,” he responded quietly. “I’m not okay.”
His fingers kept stroking over my spine, so I remained where I was. He sounded so… broken. It made me afraid to ask him what was wrong. Maybe he was mad at me for what I’d done, but I wouldn’t apologize for it. I’d never apologize for keeping him safe.
“Tell me about that night.”
I stiffened at that because it was the last thing I’d been expecting. Of course, I knew what night he was talking about. But he’d made it clear he didn’t want me to bring it up ever again. “You said—”
“I’m ready to hear it now.” He paused and said, “All of it.”
I knew what he was asking, and while the knowledge that he was ready to listen to my side of the story should have been a relief, I was oddly reluctant to talk about it. Despite my hesitation, I knew it was something we needed to lay to rest, and that could never happen if we didn’t face it head on.
“I had crew practice that afternoon, so I didn’t hear about what had happened until I got home and my mom told me. I begged her to take me to the hospital, but she said no— that it wouldn’t be appropriate.”
It had been and still was one of my mother’s favorite words. Things were never wrong or right or good or bad. They were just appropriate… or not.
“I went to my room and tried calling the hospital, but they said they couldn’t give me information about your dad. When I asked to talk to you, they said they couldn’t tie up the phone for personal conversations. I felt so… helpless. I knew you were waiting for me.” I felt tears sting the backs of my eyes and I barely managed to keep them in check when Xander stiffened beneath me just the slightest bit. The move was a confirmation of sorts.
He had been waiting for me.
“I’m sorry, Xander, I wanted to be there…”
He didn’t say anything, but I felt his lips press against the top of my head. The tender gesture was nearly my undoing. But I held myself together so I could continue.