Couldn’t I?
Chapter 18
Bennett
I wanted to kick Xander’s ass for reminding my body how good it felt to be touched by him. He’d held me up while I’d emptied my boot and then brushed his hand along my ass before stepping away. My balls tightened and I felt my breathing hitch. What the hell was he up to?
Was Xander flirting with me? Surely not. He’d made it more than clear that I would never be anything to him but a reminder of the past he’d just as soon forget.
I followed him across the snowy expanse of the pass and down the ridge past the tree line to the edge of a meadow. Before leaving the shade of the trees, I saw several of the kids had stopped to take a snack break. They’d pulled out bags of nuts and dried fruit and were taking sips from their water bottles.
Just as Xander finished setting down his pack in front of me, he threw his arm out across my chest the way mothers did when they came to a quick stop in the car.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Shh. Guys, look,” Xander said in a soft voice, raising his other hand to point through the trees. There, on the far side of the meadow, about as far away from us as the length of a football field, was a pair of black bears. One was wandering through the flowers, snuffling at the ground, while the other was sitting straight up, sniffing the air.
“Oh my god,” Lucky whispered. The other boys followed suit as they murmured their surprise at seeing the unusual sight.
I stood there in awe of the pair, and all I could think was how amazing it was that this group of inner-city kids was standing in the wilderness of the Rocky Mountains only a hundred yards away from actual bears. I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and glanced over at Aiden.
He was looking at me with a small smile of excited satisfaction and I knew he felt the same way I did. Mission accomplished— after months of planning and hoping, we were finally there, watching these kids experience incredible new things.
I felt a tentative hand on my elbow and looked over to see Calvin, of all people, grasping the sleeve of my fleece.
“You okay?” I asked softly. He looked terrified, and I was almost positive there were tears in his eyes.
He shook his head. “I’m scared, B.” It was so quiet, I wouldn’t have heard what he said if everyone else hadn’t been silent too. As it was, I was the only person who heard his words, and I turned to remove my pack and set it down as quietly as I could.
After catching Xander’s eye and tilting my head toward Calvin and the trail behind us, I put an arm around Calvin’s shoulder and walked him back into the woods, farther enough away from the bears to give him reassurance we were safe.
When we’d gotten enough distance from the group not to be overheard, I turned to face Calvin. “Do you want to talk about it?”
His bottom teeth came out to scrape across his top lip as he considered my question. A small black and white bird landed on a branch nearby and trilled, causing Calvin to laugh softly. I raised an eyebrow at him, but didn’t say a word.
“Even that little bird isn’t scared of the bears. I’m a pussy.”
“First of all, that bird can fly away at the drop of a hat, so there’s nothing for him to be scared of. Secondly, you’re not a pussy, and can that please be the last time we use that particular word?”
Calvin blew out a breath but didn’t look up at me. “Are you gay?”
The question took me by complete surprise, not so much because it came out of the blue, but because I had thought everyone on the trip knew I was gay. I didn’t keep it a secret around the kids because I didn’t ever want them to think there was anything wrong with being gay.
Before I had a chance to answer, Calvin went on. “I mean, I’m sorry. I don’t know if that was rude or not, and really, it’s none of my business. I mean, I think you are. Are you? I think you are. And anyway, it doesn’t matter. It’s just that I—”
I put my hand on his shoulder to stop his stammering and waited for him to look up at me.
“Yes, Calvin. I’m gay. Why do you ask? Does this have something to do with what you were saying to Lucky last night?”
His face paled and he looked away again. “That was… that was bad.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “It really was.”
“I’m sorry, B.”
“I’m not the only one you should be apologizing to.”
“I know, alright? I know that,” he said in a huff. “But Lucky… that— that guy drives me fucking crazy, you know? I mean, he’s just… and he… well, shit.”