Fury blazed through me like a fucking tornado, taking down everything in its path.
“Daddy, are you okay?”
I abruptly stood, needing a second to compose myself before I lost my shit on Autumn in front of Capri.
“Capri,” Autumn coaxed, taking the album off her lap. “Honey, I think this is a lot for your daddy to take in. Let’s show him the rest later, alright?”
“Yeah, okay. Daddy, can you tuck me into bed?”
I nodded again. I was so pissed I could barely see straight, but I kept it together for Capri. Holding her hand, I led her out of the living room and into her bedroom. She went to her bookshelf and grabbed a story. I couldn’t tell you what it was. I moved in autopilot, reading it to her. She passed out cold before I finished, and I kissed the top of her head. Capri was a solid sleeper, and nothing could wake her up.
“I’m so sorry,” I found myself whispering to her, needing to get it out. I had to say it to her. Although she couldn’t hear me, it felt like I owed it to our daughter. “I missed so much of your life, and I’m trying so hard to let it go. But… I can’t get those years back. With you or your mother. I feel like I failed both of you, and I’d give everything I have to get back that time with you.” A tear slid down my face, and my chest heaved.
I was a grown-ass man. However, in that moment, I felt like nothing more than a father who’d wished he could have been there to watch his baby girl grow up. I missed out on so much, and I didn’t have anyone but myself to blame. I wanted to take my anger out on Autumn, and a part of me felt some resentment brewing.
She could have told me.
I would have been there.
God, I would have fucking been there.
“My life hasn’t been easy. My parents didn’t want me, and I always promised myself I would never be like them. I would never abandon my children, and yet here I am, hoping that one day you won’t hate me for missing so much of your little life. The things I’ve seen, the stuff I’ve endured, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can’t help thinking that maybe I’m being punished for something because why would your mother not tell me about you? Why would she do this to me? Knowing how I grew up?”
More tears slid down the sides of my face, and I felt as if I was breaking down, shattering in my baby girl’s bed with her in my arms and her mother in my heart.
“Seeing those pictures of you tonight… I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain quite like this before. I thought I could get past it. I thought I could push through. But seeing you, so little, so innocent, looking so much like your mother, it’s just… I’m finding it hard to breathe. I can’t tell you how profoundly sorry I am for not being your daddy. When all I’ve ever wanted was to have one of my own. I swear to you. I promise you I will be there for you for the rest of your life. I won’t miss another milestone, another moment, another birthday. It’s me and you, Capri.”
The sound of a shudder brought my attention to the door. Autumn was standing there. Fucking wrecked. Her face was flushed with tears streaming down her face.
“I’m so sorry, Julian. Please… I’m just so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never met for Capri to not have a father. I was young and stupid, and if I could go back, I swear I’d change everything. I would have told you. I would have begged you to stay for us, but you broke my heart. You killed me inside, and for years it felt as if I was only surviving for our daughter. I thought about you every day. There were so many times I wanted to call you and tell you, but I couldn’t find the words to say that I’d fucked up. When I finally did find the nerve to call you, your number was disconnected, so was your email. I couldn’t reach you. What else was I supposed to do? I hate myself for hurting you. I hate myself for hurting her. I just… Fuck…” She sucked in a breath, her body shaking, her heart breaking. “I never stopped loving you. Not for a second, a minute, an hour. I’ve loved you all my life. All I ever wanted was you, and I know the only reason I was able to go on was because you’d left me with a huge part of you.”
“Autumn.” I sighed, getting off the bed, careful not to wake Capri. “I don’t want to resent you, but I’m not going to lie to you. I’m trying to forgive you for keeping her from me for nine years when you know without a shadow of a doubt I would have been there. By your side, through it all.”