“How are you feeling about everything?” I ask James. “And about us?”
He takes my hand. “I like you more and more every time we’re together.”
I smile, but it’s with mixed emotions. He looks concerned, until I say, “I feel the same way,” and then his smile grows and he squeezes my hand.
“I still haven’t worked out, though, how our lives might fit together,” I say. “I’ve lived my whole life on a tiny island.”
“Well, technically, Manhattan is a tiny island too. So we have that in common.”
I laugh, loving how he can make me feel so good, so easily. “Seriously, though, I don’t know if I can see myself living on your island, and I don’t know if you’d be happy living on mine.”
“Those are just two options. Don’t limit life’s possibilities. Maybe we don’t need to live here or there. Maybe we’ll decide to move to Kansas, or Fiji, or Kathmandu. The sky’s the limit.”
He makes it sound so easy. Maybe I’m the one making things seem too hard.
The producers signal that they’ve got the footage they need and are ready to wrap up. As we stand and James sees that filming has stopped, he pulls me close. “I know you must be under enormous pressure with the decisions you have to make. You are an amazing woman, and you deserve all the happiness.”
I wrap my arms around him and respond first with a kiss, before I thank him.
He rubs my back and holds me close. “I know you’ll work things out, and I’m here to support you in any way I can.”
We share another kiss, both tender and deep, before the producers insist it’s time to go.
On the flight back to LA, Natalie’s in the seat next to me, and she doesn’t waste much time in getting down to business. “Who are you going to send home this week?”
“I don’t know yet.” When she frowns, I ask, “Have other women in my position had a hard time deciding?”
“They’ve had trouble when they get down to the final two, but they’re usually clear on who should go home after the hometown dates.”
After the flight attendant comes by for drink orders, Natalie says, “You seem to have a good connection with each of them.”
Her comment is an invitation for me to discuss how I’m feeling, but it seems strange to do so when she’s a friend of Xavier’s. “I do,” I agree. “Apparently the show did too good a job of finding the right men for me.”
“Better to have too many good choices, than no good choice at all.”
“I suppose.”
“Sometimes our lead doesn’t particularly like any of the men, and has to just go through the motions for the whole season.”
“That would suck.” I guess I should be grateful for my predicament. There are a lot worse things than having four wonderful men to choose from.
Our drinks are delivered, with the attendant pouring a little bottle of whiskey over a glass of ice for Natalie. The producer takes a big swig before saying, “James seems like a great guy.”
“They all are,” I say. “That’s the problem.”
32
Happy and miserable at the same time
Despite a solid night’s sleep back at my For Keeps home in California, I wake up more confused and conflicted than ever. If only one of the men had revealed himself to be a jerk, it would have made things so much easier.
I employ my mind game again, one-by-one imagining that I’m sending each man home. The thought of losing any one of them makes me emotional. Neither my head nor my heart are helping me at all.
There’s no cocktail party this week, and that’s fine, because it wouldn’t help – it would only hurt to see the four men together.
Natalie comes by shortly after I wake up, pressing for a decision.
“I’m sorry. I still don’t know,” I tell her.
“Let’s talk it through. Do you want to go out back?”
I grab a mug of coffee and join her on the back patio, site of my stolen evening with Xavier. I wonder if he told Natalie about it.
“Why don’t you run through your pros and cons for each guy?” she says.
“Okay, Xavier,” I say. “You know he’s a great guy. I don’t need to tell you that. I had the wrong idea about him in the beginning, even though I was incredibly attracted to him. But I’ve gotten to know him and he’s been sweet and vulnerable with me, and there’s passion there that I can’t deny. I also love how family-oriented he is.”
“Cons?” Natalie prompts.
I shrug. “I’m not sure there are any.”
“How about James?”
“James is easygoing and confident, and spending the rest of my life with someone like that would be lovely. He makes me laugh, and I think he’d be a great dad.”
“Any cons?”
“I’ve had concerns about how we might blend our lives – the city versus small town thing – but James has been comfortable in any environment I’ve seen him in, and he says the question of where we’ll live doesn’t need to be an issue.”