“Exactly. On a conscious level. How about on a subconscious level?”
I sigh again. “My parents’ separation. They fought about me a lot. Wow. They did. I haven’t thought about that in ages.”
“The repressed memory will start to bring back other memories. Memories that weren’t repressed but seemed insignificant until now. What did they fight over that was about you?”
I chuckle. “My stubbornness. I’m a lot like my father, and it was too much for Mom to handle, having two of us. I fought her on everything. The example she gave me is Frosted Flakes versus Cornflakes with sugar sprinkled on top. Regular Cornflakes were cheaper, and we didn’t have a lot of money back then, so that’s what she bought. But there were other things. I fought her on everything, from getting my homework done to cleaning my room to gathering eggs from the hens we used to keep. Which is really weird, because I loved those hens and I loved gathering eggs, so why did I fight her? Even now, it seems so inconsequential to me, but apparently to her it was a huge deal. Enough so that she didn’t want any more children. Or chickens, for that matter. We kept the hens until they died, but we never replaced them.”
“You may have been stubborn and obstinate, but what you’re describing is still in the range of normal for a child. It’s not like you did anything super horrible.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Have you considered that being a mother was difficult for her?”
“No.” I shake my head against the phone.
“I can’t speak from experience yet, but from everything I’ve studied, parenting is quite difficult for some people. That doesn’t mean they don’t love their children.”
“I’m starting to understand that. It seemed easier for my father.”
She pauses. “Your father worked all day.”
“Yes, he did.”
“He wasn’t home all day with his stubborn daughter. If, as you say, he’s as stubborn as you are, the two of you would have butted heads, but he would have won, because he’s the parent.”
Interesting, but I feel Rosa isn’t being fair to my mom. “My mother’s a strong woman.”
“I’m not saying she isn’t. I’m only remarking that parenting you was difficult for her. That’s not a slight to her or to you, and that’s what you need to understand.”
“My father said it was both of their faults. My mother wasn’t honest with him, and he wasn’t making sure her needs were met.”
“That’s usually the case. Relationships are almost never a one-way street.”
“They both say none of it was my fault, though.”
“It wasn’t. You were a child. You need to believe them.”
“I never thought it was my fault.”
“Not consciously. But your subconscious may have. And that may play a big part in why you crave what you perceive as punishment.”
I pause a few seconds.
“You there, Skye?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Still here. Just thinking.”
“About what?”
“That I need to stop thinking about the kink in the bedroom as punishment. But what if that’s the only reason I want it?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it does. If I stop thinking of it as punishment, maybe I won’t want it anymore. And if Braden does want it, where does that leave us?”
“All Braden needs to know is why you wanted the neck binding so much. Can you answer that question now?”
I sigh. “Yes. I believe I can. When I witnessed the scene—the woman bound around her neck and the man pulling on the makeshift collar and choking her slightly—I got turned on. But it was different than a usual turn on. It felt almost…”
“Almost what?”
“Almost…necessary. Necessary to who I am.”
“Except, knowing who you are—a smart and talented young woman who’s on her way to becoming a big success—that doesn’t make a lot of sense.”
“Right,” I agree. “It doesn’t.”
“So how was it necessary?”
“I wish I knew.”
“Let’s attack this from another angle,” she says. “Do you know why most people practice breath control in BDSM?”
“Not really.”
“Have you heard of erotic asphyxiation?”
“Yeah. It’s dangerous.”
“It is, which maybe is why it’s a hard limit for Braden. But the restriction of oxygen also intensifies the orgasmic experience.”
My eyebrows nearly fly off my head. “Yeah, I’ve heard that, but…”
“But that isn’t why it felt necessary to you.”
“No, not at all. I wanted it because… Because it seemed like what I deserved.”
“Skye,” Rosa says, “I think we’re on the right track.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Atonement.
That’s the word Rosa used at the end of our conversation, and suddenly I’m able to see things from another angle.
Although I know what atonement means, I look it up anyway.
Reparation for a wrong or injury.
If my desire to be punished was based on the fact that my success was due to my relationship with Braden and my previous tie to Addie, it’s not atonement at all.
But if it’s related to the fact that I feel responsible for my parents’ breakup all those years ago…