She heard again the admiration in his voice when he described Nell as gutsy.
And then there’s me.
Maybe the time would come when she could have faith in herself again, but right now was too soon. Yes, it had felt good to stand up to Blake. To have him cowering at her feet. She wanted to think she’d never again find excuses for a man who’d hit her. But that was only a small part of the ways she’d allowed Blake to diminish her. Somehow she’d conceded almost all the decisions to him, from how she wore her hair to whether she could go out with friends. Remembering made her shudder.
She hadn’t been able to figure out how she could have let anything like that happen to her, not after having seen her mother’s example, but since coming back to Angel Butte she had begun to understand that it had worked the other way around.
Oh, she’d learned from her mother’s example, all right—to do exactly what Mommy did. When Daddy bellowed, you kept your head down and never, never argued because that only enraged him further. When he got mad, you shrank into corners. When he threw his fists, you endured and pretended to everyone outside the family that nothing had happened.
Maybe lessons learned when you were so young couldn’t be unlearned, she thought bleakly. Maybe with Blake she’d been replicating the only kind of family she’d ever known. What other explanation was there?
Of course, Noah wasn’t like Blake. He was bossy and impatient and a lot of other things, but it was hard for her to imagine him ever striking a woman.
I thought the same about Blake.
Yes, but Noah barely even raised his voice. He had too much confidence to need to yell at anyone.
Forehead puckering, Cait laid her book aside.
She hadn’t been with Blake all that long when she’d realized he wasn’t very confident. He’d hated having any of his decisions questioned. Or even his opinion, really. She hadn’t noticed that at first because they agreed on a lot of the bigger issues. He couldn’t stand to be embarrassed. He’d been in a quiet fury for days after being pulled over by a cop for making a rolling right turn at a red light. The officer made him get out of the car and take a breathalyzer test. Blake was humiliated because passing motorists saw him. Afterward, he’d gone on and on. The cop had to be blind. Of course he’d stopped. Probably the cop wanted to fill some quota.
And me? she thought sadly. I murmured sympathy and agreement even though I knew perfectly well that he didn’t stop and he deserved that ticket.
Because she’d wanted peace more than she had wanted honesty or self-respect.
She moved restlessly in the chair. This new start had been really important to her. Instead, first Blake and then this unknown man whose face she hardly remembered had forced her into a state of fear and dependency that was undermining any belief she’d started with that she could be strong.
Instead, she got to spend a lot of time being grateful that she had Colin and Noah and, because of them, so many other people to protect her.
* * *
THE NEXT MORNING, Colin wandered into the kitchen, where Cait was pouring herself a cup of coffee. Despite it being Saturday, he was dressed for work, lacking only the suit coat. He’d already clipped his holster and badge to his narrow black belt.
“That’s a big gun,” she observed, nodding at his waist. “Do you have to hoist your pants to keep it up?”
He laughed. “Funny, Nell asked me the same thing one time. No, I keep my belt tight enough to hold up the weight. The only time it’s a problem is when I, uh, have to sit on the toilet. Which isn’t often when I’m working, thank God.”
She made a face at him. “Thank you for that visual.”
“Having your weapon tangled up with your pants around your ankles isn’t a good thing. I heard about a cop who died when someone reached under the stall and snatched his handgun.”
“Wow. Okay, so it’s not only undignified, it’s dangerous.”
He grinned. “Mostly undignified.” His expression sobered. “Cait, I haven’t said anything, but this choice ought to be yours. Ralston keeps asking to see you.”
She went still. “Why would he want to see me?”
Her brother grimaced. “He wants to tell you how sorry he is.”