He arrived a little early, pulling up outside my building and holding a McDonald’s bag up to the window. My angry stomach flipped in excitement and I climbed eagerly into the passenger seat.
“Wasn’t sure if you’d eaten,” Matt said, handing me the bag.
I snatched it from his fingers. “I’m starving. I could kiss you right now, but my mouth needs what’s in this bag more than your lips.”
“I missed breakfast by like ten minutes. Hope that’s okay.”
I stuffed almost half the cheeseburger in my mouth in one bite. “Perfect,” I muttered around a mouth full of food.
Matt caught a glimpse of me as I popped the lid off of my vanilla milkshake and dipped a fry inside before tossing it in my mouth and his face twisted into an unreadable expression. “In the words of Ryder, dude, that is minging,” Matt said, trying his hand at a British accent. In reality he sounded like some kind of Irish and Japanese hybrid. Too hungry to reply, I smiled instead, stuffing more food into my mouth.
We drove in silence for a few minutes while I devoured my first meal since yesterday lunchtime. I was taking a sip of my milkshake when Matt’s hand settled on my knee, the warmth of his touch penetrating the denim.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked. “You looked more than just sick last night. You looked…upset.”
“I was exhausted. I’m fine, really.”
“Good. I thought maybe…doesn’t matter.”
“It does. Talk to me,” I insisted, shifting in my seat to face him.
Keeping his eyes on the road, Matt sighed. “I thought maybe seeing Ryan made you, I dunno, miss him.”
“We’re so damn stupid,” I said, choking on the irony. “I felt the same about that woman you took to your office. If we’d just communicated better, we could’ve prevented a night of unnecessary angst for both of us.”
“I told you, she was just a fan.” The way he spoke made the words twist around my heart, strangling it. In an instant, his lie pierced my skin like a shot, flowing through my veins and making me want to vomit. I didn’t have proof he was lying, but I just…knew.
“I don’t believe you,” I spat, pushing his hand off my lap.
Matt swerved, maneuvering the car onto a small street. He pulled over and twisted to face me. “What’s this about? Do you think I was fucking her in there or something?”
“No,” I said, staring out of the window. “But I know she wasn’t a stranger.”
“Alex, please look at me.” His words cracked, his tone fretful. Reluctantly, I turned my head. “Do you really think, after everything we’ve been through, that I would do anything to hurt you?”
I studied his expression, the pain in his eyes wavering my resolve. “No,” I said, my voice weak, saturated with regret. “But that doesn’t explain why you said you’d call her.”
I detested this side of myself that I didn’t even know existed until last night. Jealousy wasn’t something I’d experienced before and I wanted to find a way to make it go the hell away.
“I was just trying to get rid of her,” Matt admitted, running a hand over his flushed face. “I just didn’t want you to see that part of my life. It’s in the past.”
“So…you screwed her?”
“Alex, please…”
“I want to know.”
“According to her, yes. I’ve screwed a lot of women in my life, Alex. Too many to remember them all. But you know this. I can’t go back and change it, but that doesn’t mean I want to rub it in your face by introducing you to every ex-fuck that approaches me.”
The thing about jealousy is that, when you realize you were wrong, it makes you feel like a prick.
“I’m sorry,” I said, guilt forcing my gaze to my knees. “I shouldn’t have doubted you.”
Matt cupped my cheek with his hand, encouraging me to look at him. “We knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I knew all along my past would try and drive a wedge between us, but we can’t let it. I won’t let the old me taint what we have. You’re too important to me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that,” Matt said, shaking his head. “If I need to work harder at getting you to trust me, I will. I’m not going to lose you, Alex. I can’t.”
“No, no. You haven’t done anything. You don’t need to prove yourself. It’s my issue. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like I can’t compete with all those women.”
“There is no competition,” he said, stretching forward until I could feel his breath on my face. “All those women might have gotten me off at some point, but you are the only person who’s ever made me feel. They were nothing more than an elaborate jerk off. Just sex. Meaningless. I don’t have sex with you. I make love to you, Alex. I become part of you. I…I love you.”