“They love you. I get it.” Ryan sighed, and Zack had to join him, even though it pulled at his stitches because he knew he had to decide if the price of that love was something he was willing to keep paying.
“Did Pike send you to lecture me?” Zack couldn’t handle talking about his parents with Ryan, and he had lain awake all night with that question floating through his head and still didn’t have an answer.
“Pike?” Ryan’s eyes went wide. “Nah. Not his style. Josiah, however, thinks I should read you the riot act for how you’re acting.”
“But you saw him today, right? Pike, I mean, not Josiah.” Zack had an almost palpable need to know how Pike was, hungry for even the smallest detail.
“Nope.” Ryan shook his head. “He’s on his way to the Bay Area for the weekend.”
“What? Why?” Zack had to struggle to keep his voice down.
“To see his mom, most likely.” Ryan shrugged. “And that job interview.”
“Job interview?” Fuck. Fuck. Why hadn’t Zack asked Pike what was new with him last night? Why hadn’t Pike told him?
“Some sort of analyst position with War Elf. He’s wanted in with War Elf with years, guess he couldn’t turn that down. Not without a reason to stay here.” Ryan’s voice continued to be deceptively mild.
Not without a reason to stay here. Zack’s head throbbed. There it was, the reason why Pike hadn’t thought to mention this to Zack. He wasn’t giving Pike any reason to. He wanted Pike to put them first, when he couldn’t do the same. Couldn’t even ensure that Pike would be told if something happened to him. Shit. This situation sucked donkey balls.
Ryan’s phone buzzed, and he glanced down. “Crap. I’m about to be all kinds of rude, but do you mind if I send Jos a quick text?”
“Go ahead.” Zack watched as a strange little smile came over his friend as he typed, a softness to his chiseled face that he’d never noticed before.
The phone buzzed again, and Ryan picked it up. “Hey, Jos.” He smiled as he said the name, crinkles appearing around his eyes. “I was just sending you a text. Take a deep breath. It’s in your laptop bag... Yeah, I put in there myself last night.”
There was more talking from Jos’s side, and Ryan laughed, a warm, deep chuckle. “Yeah, that’s not gonna work. But he’s looking way better than I thought... Love you too.”
The easy way Ryan closed with the “love you” pierced Zack just as surely as a scalpel. He hadn’t ever said those words to Pike, hadn’t been able to give voice to something that implied a future they might not have. “I love you” meant that you were willing to put the other person first, and Zack hadn’t been able to promise that.
Zack’s eyes burned and his hands twisted handfuls of the thin hospital blanket.
“What isn’t going to work?” he asked Ryan, his voice barely above a croak.
“Getting you in a headlock until you see what a dumbass you’re being, letting Pike walk away like this.” Ryan rolled his eyes. “Jos seems to think I’ve got superpowers or something, because that’s not happening, right?”
“Is this the sort of reverse psychology that works on your students?” Zack grumbled, even as he appreciated his friend’s low-key approach. Part of him, however, wanted Ryan mad at him, wanted him to yell and call him out on his behavior.
Ryan’s never going to get as mad at you as you are. Zack swallowed hard. It was true—he’d been furious at himself ever since Pike left. Before that even. Felt like all he knew how to do was make things worse. The anger was eating him up, every bit as surely as that infection had. But he wanted better for himself. Better for Pike. He wanted that moment Ryan had just had—being needed and being able to be exactly what the other person needed at that time, being completely secure in their relationship.
Hell, Ryan hadn’t even wavered in the face of Zack’s parents. He knew who he was. And maybe it was about time Zack found out who he really was too.
“Hey, Ryan?” he asked, taking a breath to try to steady his voice. “You know how you said you could introduce me to some people? Give me some numbers?”
“Yeah. Absolutely.” Ryan pulled the phone back out, small smile tugging at his mouth. “Just say the word.”
“I think—” No, no “I think.” Own this choice. Zack sat up straighter in the bed, even as his muscles protested, and when he spoke next, his voice was firmer. “I’m ready.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Sunlight streamed into the War Elf office space through giant skylights that illuminated the “discussion pods” of brightly colored chairs and beanbags strewn about on giant green rugs. It was a cheerful scene, but Pike had never been lonelier in his life. The high exposed ceilings with their networks of ducts and wiring distracted him, made him long for the tighter confines of his little house.