“I didnt pay attention, Dana. I was wrapped up in my own life, in what I wanted, what I needed. I didnt see that she was sick until she… Jesus, she sat me down and told me what theyd found inside her.”
“Its stupid to blame yourself for that. Stupid, Jordan, and shed tell you exactly that.”
“She probably would, and Ive come around to that since. But during it, after… It happened so fast. I know it took months, but it seemed so fast. The doctors, the hospital, the surgery, the chemo. Christ, she was so sick through that. I didnt know how to take care of her—”
“Wait. Just wait. You did take care of her. You stayed with her, you read to her. God, Jordan, you fed her when she couldnt feed herself. You were her rock then, Jordan. I saw it.”
“Dana, I was terrified, and I was angry, and I couldnt tell her. I locked it in because I didnt know what else to do.”
“You were barely in your twenties, and your world was crashing down around you.”
Even as she said it, she knew she hadnt understood that at the time, not completely.
“She was fading away in front of me, and I couldnt stop it. When we knew she was dying, when there wasnt much time—she was in such pain—she told me she was sorry she had to go, that she had to leave me. She said there wasnt a single day of my life she hadnt been proud of me, and grateful for me.
“I fell apart. I just lost it. Then she was gone. I dont know if I said good-bye, or told her Iloved her. I dont even know what I said or did.”
He turned back, walking once more toward the stones that bloomed out of the patchy grass. “Shed made all the arrangements already, so all I had to do was follow through. One foot in front of the other. The memorial service—the dress she wanted to wear, the music she wanted played. She had some insurance. Shed scraped money together for that every month. Christ knows how. There was enough to pay off most of the debts that had built up and give me some breathing room.”
“You were her child. She wanted to provide for you.”
“She did, in every possible way. I couldnt stay here, Dana. Not then. I couldnt live in that house and grieve for her every time I took a breath. I couldnt stay in this town, where I would see people I knew everywhere I went.
“Youd think it would be a comfort, the familiar. But for me it was constant pain. One minute Id feel like I was suffocating, the next like I was going to explode. I had to get away from it. I had to bury some of that pain the way. Id buried her.”
“You wouldnt talk to me about it.”
“I couldnt. If Id had the words, Id have choked on them. Im not saying it was right. It wasnt. But its the truth. I had to make something of myself, and I couldnt do it here. Or I believed I couldnt, so whats the difference?”
“You had to go,” she murmured, “or you wouldnt be who you are.” How could it have taken her so long to see that?
“I hated what I was here, and I was afraid of what I would become if I stayed. I saw myself working in the garage day after day, year after year, and throwing away everything shed worked for, everything shed wanted for me because I couldnt do any better. I was angry and in pain, so wrapped up in both I didnt give a damn about anything else.”
He came back to the edge of his mothers grave, stared down at the flowers. “I didnt know you loved me. I dont know what Id have done differently if I had, but I didnt know. You always seemed so strong, so sure
of yourself, so easy with the way things were, that I didnt see inside that.“
He reached out to brush the hair back from her cheek, then dropped his hand again. “Maybe I didnt want to.
With all that happened to her, I didnt have any room to love anyone. But I hurt you, and I meant to. Because it was easier on me if you walked away. Im ashamed of that, and Im sorry for it. You deserved better.”
“I dont know what to say to you. It helps, hearing all this. I know it wasnt easy to tell me.”
“Dont cry, Dana. It rips me.”
“Its a little tough to get through otherwise.” But she swiped her fingers under her eyes. “We were young, Jordan, and we both made mistakes. We cant change what happened, but we can put it in place and try to be friends again.”
“Were grown up now, and weve got today to deal with. You want to be friends, Ill be your friend.“
“Okay.” She managed a wobbly smile and held out a hand.
“Theres just one more thing you need to know.” He clasped her fingers firmly in his. “Im in love with you.”
“Oh.” Her already unsteady heart stumbled. “God.”
“I never got over you. Whatever I felt for you back then, it was like the root. Time went on, Id keep trying to kill that root, but it wouldnt die. Id breeze back into town to see Flynn, catch a glimpse of you, or youd take a shot at me, and what was growing on that root would nudge a little further up from the ground.”
“Damn it, Jordan. Damn it.”