Chapter 13
I BUCKLED MY seat belt out of habit, but Jean-Claude stayed pressed to my side, arm around my shoulders. I'd started to shake and couldn't seem to stop. It was as if I'd been waiting for him so I could finally fall apart. I didn't cry, just let him hold me while I shook.
"It is alright, ma petite. We are both safe now."
I shook my head against the stained front of his shirt. "It's not that."
He touched my face, raised it to look at him in the soft-lighted darkness of the car. "Then what is it?"
"I had sex with Micah." I watched his face, waited for the anger, jealousy, something to flash through his eyes. What I saw was sympathy, and I didn't understand it.
"You are like a vampire newly risen. Even those of us who will be masters cannot fight our hunger the first night, or the first few nights. It is overwhelming. It is why many vampires feed on their nearest kin when they first rise. It is who they are thinking of in their hearts, and they are drawn to them. It is only with the aid of a master vampire that the hunger can be directed elsewhere."
"You're not angry?" I asked.
He laughed and hugged me. "I thought you would be angry with me for giving you the ardeur, the fire, the burning hunger."
I pushed back enough to see his face. "Why didn't you warn me that I couldn't control it?"
"I never underestimate you, ma petite. If anyone I have ever known in all these centuries could have withstood such a test, it was you. So I did not tell you you would fail, because I no longer try to predict what power will do to you, or through you. You are a law unto yourself so much of the time."
"I was ... helpless. I ... I didn't want to control it."
"Of course not."
I shook my head. "Is the ardeur permanent?"
"I do not know."
"How long until I can control it?"
"A few weeks. But even after you have control, you will have to be careful around those you most lust after. They will make the hunger flare like fire raging in your veins. There is no shame to it."
"So you say."
He held my face between his hands. "Ma petite, it has been over four hundred years since I first woke with the ardeur raging in me, but I remember. All these years, and I still remember that the cry for flesh was almost worse than the cry for blood."
I held his wrists, pressed his hands against my face. "I'm scared."
"Of course you are. You should be. But I will help you through this. I will be your guide. It may pass away in a few days, or come and go, I simply do not know. But I will help you through it, whatever happens."
Nathaniel pulled into the Circus of the Damned parking lot, beside the back door. It was still dark as we got out, but the air had that soft feel of predawn. You could taste the coming morning on the tip of your tongue.
Jason opened the outer door as if he'd been waiting for us. He probably had. Jean-Claude hurried past him to the door that led to the stairs. We followed, but Jean-Claude called back over his shoulder, "I must shower before dawn." With that he left us, running in a blur of motion. The rest of us walked more sedately down the stairs, able to walk three abreast, because none of us were large people.
"How are you feeling?" Jason asked.
I shrugged. "I'm pretty much healed."
"You look shook."
I shrugged, again.
"Okay, I can take a hint. You don't want to talk about it."
"No, I don't."
Jason glanced around me at Nathaniel. "You staying the night?"
"Am I?" I knew the question was directed at me.
"Sure, you may need to drive me home tomorrow, or rather, later today."
"Yes, I am staying."
"You can bunk with me then. God knows the bed is big enough and doesn't see many visitors."
I glanced at Jason. "Does Jean-Claude limit your social activities?"
He laughed. "No, not exactly, but the women who come down here are vampire freaks. They want to sleep in a bed under the ground at the Circus of the Damned. They don't want me, they want Jean-Claude's pet werewolf."
"I wouldn't think ..." I stopped myself because I realized it was an insult.
"Go ahead and say it."
"I wouldn't think that you'd be that picky," I said.
"I wasn't when I first got here. But lately I just don't want to be with someone who just wants me so she can brag to her friends that she slept with a shapeshifter, or got to sleep where the vampires sleep. No matter how good it feels for a few minutes, it still makes me feel like they've just come to look at one of the freaks."
I slipped my arm through his, squeezed his arm. "Don't let anybody make you feel like that, Jason. You're not a freak."
He patted my hand. "Look who's talking."
I pulled away from him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, I'm sorry I said it."
"No, I want you to explain it."
He sighed and hurried down the steps, but I was in Nikes and could keep up. Nathaniel followed a few steps behind without saying a word. "Explain it, Jason."
"You hate the monsters. You hate being different."
"That's not true."
"You accept that you're different, but you don't like it."
I opened my mouth to argue with him, but had to stop myself, had to think. Was he right? Was he? Did I hate being different? Did I hate the monsters because they were different? "Maybe you're right."
He looked back at me, eyes wide. "Anita Blake admitting she may be wrong? Gasp!"
I tried to frown at him, but I could feel it held an edge of smile that ruined the effect. "I better get used to being one of the monsters, or so I hear."
His eyes went serious. "Are you really going to be a wereleopard?"
'We'll find out, won't we."
"You okay with it?"
It was my turn to laugh, but it sounded bitter. "No. No I'm not okay with it, but the damage is done. I can't change it."
"Fatalism," he said.
"Practicality," I said.
"Same thing," he said.
"No, it isn't."
Jason looked past me at Nathaniel who treaded softly a few steps behind me. "How do you feel about her being a wereleopard?"
"I think I'll keep my feelings to myself."
"You're happy about it, aren't you?" And there was an edge of hostility in his voice.
"No, I'm not."
"You get to keep her as your Nimir-Ra now."
"Maybe."
"Doesn't that make you happy?"
"Stop it, Jason. Richard's told me his little theory about Gregory marking me on purpose."
"You talked to Richard?" He made it a question.
"Unfortunately."
"You know what's happened, then?"
"About you guys taking Gregory, yeah. I talked to Jacob on the phone even."
Jason looked surprised. "What did you say to him?"
"Gregory dies, Jacob dies."
"Jacob wants to be Ulfric."
"We discussed that, too," I said.
"What did he say?"
"He won't challenge Richard until after the full moon this month. You better give Sylvie a heads up, because that means Jacob has to defeat her within the next two weeks."
"Why is he waiting for the full moon?"
"Because I told him I'd kill him if he didn't."
"You can't undercut Richard's authority like that."
"I don't need to, Jason, he's doing such a good job all on his own."
We were at the bottom of the stairs, the heavy door hanging open where Jean-Claude had rushed through. "Richard is my Ulfric."
"I'm not asking you to bad-mouth him, Jason. He's destroyed his power structure within the pack. It's not something to debate, it's just the truth."
Jason stopped me at the door. "Maybe if you had been here, you could have talked him out of it."
I was finally angry. "One, you have no right to question what I do, or don't do. Two, Richard is a big boy and makes his own decisions. Three, don't you ever, ever question me again."
"You're not my lupa anymore, Anita."
Anger flared through me like a scalding wave, tightening my shoulders, my arms, spilling into my hands. I'd never felt rage so quickly and so completely. I had to close my eyes to concentrate, so I wouldn't take a swing at him. What was wrong with me?
I felt Nathaniel at my back. "Are you alright?" he said.
I shook my head. "I don't think so."
"Look," Jason said, "I'm sorry, but I don't want Jacob in charge of the pack--I don't trust him. Richard may be a bleeding-heart, flag-waving right-winger, but he's also fair, and he really does try to put the best interests of the pack before his own. I don't want to lose that."
I looked at him, trying to swallow past the anger. My voice came out squeezed tight. "You're scared about what will happen to all of you if Jacob takes over."
He nodded. "Yes."
"Me, too," I said.
He looked into my face, studied it. "If Jacob kills Richard in a fair fight, what will you do?"
"Richard isn't my boyfriend anymore, and I'm not lupa. If it's a fair challenge fight, then I can't interfere. I told Jacob if the fight was fair, and after the full moon, I wouldn't take revenge on him."
"You won't avenge Richard's death?"
"If I kill Jacob, and Richard and Sylvie are already dead, who'll take over? I've seen what happens to a group of shapeshifters who don't have an alpha to lead them. I won't let what happened to the leopards happen to the wolves."
"If Jacob died before he fought Sylvie, then you wouldn't have to worry about it," Jason said.
The anger that had been leaking away made a comeback. "You can't have it both ways, Jason. Either I'm not your lupa--not dominant to you--and thus can't help you fix this, or I am still your lupa, still dominant to you, still someone you come to for this kind of help. Make up your mind which you want me to be before you get up in my face again."
"You can't be lupa, the pack voted you out. But you're right, it's not your fault. You had to try and fix yourself before you could fix anyone else. I'm sorry I got in your face."
"Apology accepted," I said. I started to go around him through the door, but he caught my arm.
"I didn't ask you to kill Jacob because you were my lupa, or dominant to me. I asked you because I know you've already thought of it. I asked you because I know if you think it's best for the pack, you'll do it."
"Pack business is no longer my concern, so everyone keeps telling me."
"They don't know you like I do," he said.
I pulled away from him, gently. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that once you've given your friendship--your protection--to someone, you take care of them, even if they don't want you to."
"If I kill Jacob, Richard will never forgive me."
"He dumped you, right? What have you got to lose by killing Jacob? Nothing. But if you don't kill him, then you lose Sylvie and Richard."
I pushed past him. "I am getting really tired of doing everyone's dirty work."
"No one is better at dirty work than you are, Anita."
That stopped me, made me turn back around to face him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It doesn't mean anything. It's just the truth." I stared into his so-solemn eyes. I would have liked to argue, but I really couldn't.
I'd thought I couldn't feel worse about myself tonight. I'd been wrong Watching the look in Jason's eyes, hearing him talk about me like that, made me feel worse. This night just couldn't get any more depressing.