I tell them about how my sessions with Dr. Winters morphed from Mimi to the fact that I had other baggage I needed to claim. I tell them about my issues with obsessing over the future. Over marriage. Over relationships. And that it had gotten to the point where I wasn’t even giving any man a shot if I didn’t think he checked off all the things I wanted and needed in a husband.
“I guess the reason I wasn’t telling you guys anything about this is because I felt like some kind of abnormal freak, you know?” I continue. “I didn’t feel like I had any reason to have this baggage even though I had it. I mean, our parents are happily married. Our childhoods were normal. And you guys were in healthy relationships and didn’t appear to have any of the problems that I do.”
“Oh, but I definitely had them,” Belle answers, and I turn to look at her with surprised eyes. “And I probably should’ve been talking to Dr. Winters too at one point.” She grins. “Luckily, John is so damn patient that he knew how to work through things with me.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I was super insecure about myself. With every guy I dated. Always feeling like I wasn’t good enough. And it was not good for relationships, let me tell you,” Belle explains. “It wasn’t until I met John that I was able to find some clarity and build the confidence that I should have inside myself.”
“Do you think it was you or John that helped you with those things?” Dr. Winters asks, and Belle lifts her hand up in a so-so gesture.
“A little of both. Mostly, I think it had to come from deep within myself. But I think I was also lucky I had a good man beside me who wasn’t adding to my toxic tendencies.”
Dr. Winters nods. “That’s good, Belle. That’s really good.”
“I can also vouch that I had my issues,” Katelynn announces, surprising me for the second time in this session. “I had major issues with trust, and that made me a real shit communicator in relationships.” She laughs a little. “Honestly, before Todd, I did some crazy shit with my exes. Checking their phones because I was paranoid they were cheating on me or lying to me. It wasn’t good.”
Holy hell.
“You both dealt with those things before you got married?” I question, and Belle smiles softly at me.
“Yeah. And the insecurity is still something I have to work past at times. Even in my marriage with John.”
“Me too,” Kate adds. “Todd and I have good communication and our relationship has a strong foundation of trust, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight my own demons at times to remember those things.”
“So, wait, I’m not the only crazy one?” I tease, and both my sisters laugh.
“Nope,” Katelynn says with a shake of her head, and Belle agrees.
“Hell no, sis.”
“Well, I’m very proud of all three of you,” Dr. Winters states with a soft smile. “And I think you should be proud of yourselves too. It’s never easy opening up about things that make us feel vulnerable.” She makes eye contact with me. “Are you happy with your decision to bring your sisters here today?”
“Yes, I’m glad they’re here,” I say and mean every word.
“Tell me where that emotion stems from, Sophie.”
“It comes from a lot of things, but mostly, I think it stems from feeling relief that everything is out in the open and knowing that I shouldn’t feel the need to hide stuff like this from them. I don’t have to go it alone, you know? I can use their support, too.”
“Good,” Belle says and Katelynn nods.
“I’m happy to hear that, Soph. Because I want to be there for you when you need me.”
“We’re getting close to the end of our session, but Sophie, do you mind if I check in with you directly about what has happened with Jude?”
My first inclination is to shy away from the question, but I stay strong.
“Sure.”
“Do you want Belle and Katelynn to leave?”
I shake my head and reach out to hold both of my sisters’ hands. “No, they should stay.”
For another fifteen minutes, we sit in Dr. Winters’s office. All the while, Belle and Katelynn stay silent and just listen patiently while I tell Dr. Winters my current state of mind. Rehash some of the painful details of what really went down with Jude and me, and talk about why I haven’t been looking at his texts or answering his calls.
And by the time I leave her office, I feel the sadness starting to seep into my bones again, but I also feel resolved in my decisions.
Honestly, I even feel proud of myself for setting my own boundaries with Jude. Once I started feeling too much emotion for him and knew I couldn’t go on just acting like it was only hot sex and fun, I ended things. Harshly, in a way, but it’s what I had to do for me.