“Because I didn’t even know they were supposed to exist until I was in college. By then it was so drummed into me it was a dirty, nasty thing to do to touch yourself I never even thought of it. Then the first time I had sex it hurt and was so uncomfortable I never wanted to do it again. When I tried again, it wasn’t much better. It just didn’t appeal.”
“But it appealed with Chris, didn’t it?”
Remembering the way my body responded to him, the wet heat flooding my core which had never happened before, I sigh. “Yes.”
My phone starts chiming with a flurry of notifications from my email. “Okay, I’m sending you some of the hottest, smuttiest stories you’ve ever read. I’m also sending you a link for the best porn site for women ever. They have several different videos without being scary, stick to the site. First, though, read the stories, then let your fingers do the walking.
“Do this, you owe this to yourself, leave Chris out of it for now. This is the ultimate in self-care. Orgasms are important, they make you happy, they make the world a better a place, they make you feel good. This is your body; own it. If you don’t know what feels good to you, what appeals to you, then how can you expect any man to?”
“A vibrator?” I spit out in shock as I see the bright pink recommendation she sent me.
“Already ordered for you, two, one with a vibrating clit stimulator and one without. They are on rush order and you should get them tomorrow by eight. As amazing as it feels to handle it yourself, after a few times your clit gets tender. Not so with your G-spot, which is what the vibes I’m sending you hit every time. Also, your clit is like a ten on the Richter scale; however, the G-spot is a twenty-five and it never gets sore. I’m also making sure to include a lube, always use the lube as the toys tend to dry out pretty quickly.”
“Oh my god.” I’m overwhelmed by the things in my email box.
Holly makes an angry noise. “Do you know the first thing Ethan said when he saw the pictures of you and Chris?”
I cringe. “What?”
“He said, ‘Finally.’ Finally, a guy was looking at you the same way you were looking at him. He was happy for you. Then in the next damn breath he was worried if you were up to it. I love you, but I’m a little tired of seeing the worry lines appear every time he thinks about you.
“Put your big girl panties on and figure this out for yourself. Take tonight, read the books, the ones you should have been reading for a while. Watch the porn if you need it. This is for you, about you. Then tomorrow put the books down and join the rest of us in the real world. I’m not telling you to jump into a casual hookup with Chris Baldwin, which I’m sure is all he’s looking for. I am going to ask you what would be so bad about it? Think about it tomorrow though, not tonight.”
“Okay.”
“I love you, have fun. We’ll talk soon.”
Holy crap, the stuff in my inbox is overwhelming. I can’t do this; this isn’t me. Holly’s words about our bump in the road stings. There was one thing I never told her about why I was a brat, I was jealous of her. Of the way Holly didn’t back down from going after Ethan when he was what she wanted. How even though Holly was heavier than me at the time, even though I made more money than her, she wasn’t jealous of me. Holly was proud of who she was. She didn’t look for anyone else to tell her she was good enough, she simply believed she was. I spent my whole life chasing perfection for even the smallest sign of approval from my parents and Ethan. I was jealous and resentful Holly didn’t seek approval from anyone; it didn’t even cross her mind.
I’ve gained control of my career, but in my personal life I’m rudderless, just drifting, ignoring how empty my life is by filling it with work. Now’s the time to take the reins and figure it out. In fact, it’s long past time. Holly just told me how to do this, how to be like her. Fearless, going after what I want.
I want Chris even though I know he’s not a forever kind of guy. Finally admitting it is a relief. I want all his smiles with his dimples showing, the way he says my name in that slow drawl of his; I want him to deliver on the promise in his beautiful blue eyes. I want it all.
I grab my ereader, laptop, and phone and take them into my bedroom. There’s another email from Holly.
Okay, take a deep breath, remember this is good. This is healthy, this should be fun. Go get ready for bed, then when you’re done you’re going to go to bed naked. Yes, that’s right, pajamas and panties and bra, take it all off. Then I want you to download two stories right off the bat. Both books actually have multiple stories in them, it’s a thing writers are doing these days, whatever. My personal favorite is the first title I gave you, it has three stories in it, with each one getting progressively dirtier. Don’t think about the story, just read it and take it in. Once you are ready, go for it. Again, don’t think about anything except exactly what you are doing.
Easy for her to say, I think as I download the books she told me to. Both books are by the same writer, and I see she has a half dozen other books as well. With a shrug I buy them, they were only a dollar. I hurry through my shower, not washing my hair so it’s easier to braid. Then I get into bed carefully. I’ve never slept naked before; I usually wear panties and a cotton pajama top and either shorts or pants.
Sliding beneath the silky soft cotton sheets, my body reacts immediately at the new sensation. I pull up my sheet and thick comforter to keep out the chill. A few minutes of rearranging the pillows until I’m comfortable, then I tap my ereader to wake it up.
The first story is, um, stimulating, only I’m still too inhibited to give in to the idea of doing what Holly urged me to do. Until I get to the second story...holy crap. It’s so dirty, yet I’m so very wet, and they haven’t even made love. I’m squirming when the scenes finally play out, and as I take a deep breath, my hand slips below the sheets. Trying to focus on the story, not the embarrassment still flaring brightly in the back of my mind, my fingers find my hot wet center. Oh, everything is tender, sensitive, the nub already swollen—only the lightest touch has me gasping. If it weren’t for the description of what he’s doing to the woman in the story, I wouldn’t even know how to do this. Another swirl of my fingertips, again, again, more, again with more pressure and then oh, oh, yes.
As the trembling dies, I consider the experience. It was good...okay, better than good, a solid four stars. Except, the story made it seem amazing, stars exploding, toe-curling, and as good as it was, there were no stars. Hmm...I wonder if I did it right.
This time I read two more books, then find the two stories I like the best before I try again. Oh, oh yeah, this feels so much better. I float slowly down from the high, swimming in pleasure. It wasn’t just good, it was more like what Holly talked about. And yet, it still wasn’t as good as the book described, as good as when Chris pulled me against him and my whole body went up in flames. In several of the books the G-spot was mentioned. I wonder if I should try to find it, only I’m really tired and getting sore. I jump out of bed to use the restroom before going to sleep. I blush as I wipe, still in awe of what my body is capable of. I’m embarrassed not at what I did but at taking so long to do it. This is my body, my responsibility. I should have been taking care of it and myself better.
I’m still too shy to sleep naked, but I do leave my panties and pants off and only wear the soft sleepshirt.
10
Chris
The constant buzzing of my cell phone along the wood of the bedside table is aggravating as fuck. It’s the third fucking time, so I give up on the crap sleep I’ve been floating in and out of and snatch my phone from the table. I’m not surprised it’s Travis. “What?”
Silence for a few seconds. “I guess I have my answer on how things are going with Amelia Bishop. Interesting, as the last few photos had me wondering if you were done with the strippers for good. I liked this headline
best, ‘The bad boy and good girl.’ Fair warning, once again they labeled you as Mexican instead of Brazilian. You want me to sue them for you, since it’s not going well with you two?”