“You say you don’t care now,” he told her darkly. “But you would. Once you met other Kindred and their mates and saw what they have—the level of communication they can achieve that we never would—you would hate me for denying it to you.”
“Communication? But…but we talked all night the other night,” she protested. “About everything. I never had that with Tony. He never gave a damn what I was thinking or feeling. Not like you, Raze.”
“Try to understand…” Raze took her hands in his, caressing her soft, slim fingers with his own. “It’s because I care about you that I can’t do this—can’t Join with you, no matter how much I want to. And I do want to, Lucia—so damn much! But I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”
She yanked her hands out of his.
“You know what’s not fair? The way you’ve been playing with my heart! You acted like such a nice guy—being so good to my kids and my mom. Acting like you actually cared about them—about me.”
“I know.” Raze looked at her wretchedly. “I never should have gotten involved. I knew I could never have you,” he admitted, his voice going low with shame. “But I wanted to pretend—just once—that things were different. That I could find a mate and a family to love and care for and protect.”
“Well, you found us.” There were tears in Lucia’s big brown eyes now and a tremble in her voice that squeezed Raze’s heart. “You found us but I guess you decided you don’t want us after all.”
“That’s not true! Lucia—”
“I think you’d better go.” She pointed a shaking finger at the door of her apartment. “Just…just leave me alone!”
Raze rose from the couch, feeling like his body was made of lead.
“I’m sorry,” he said hoarsely. “So sorry for the pain I caused you.”
“What am I going to tell the kids?” She blinked, tears rolling down her face. “It’s not bad enough that you made me love you, but Frannie and the twins—they love you too, Raze! How could you do this?”
“Gods, I don’t know,” Raze muttered miserably. “I’m so sorry, Lucia. So Gods damned sorry.”
“Your sorry doesn’t cut it, pendejo!” she snapped, her eyes flashing through the tears. “Go away! Go away and never come back!”
“That’s exactly what I’ll do.” Raze felt numb as he said it. “My leave is over anyway. I’ll be going back to the Mother Ship tomorrow morning.”
“What? You were planning to leave all along?” Lucia shook her head. “Dios, I never really knew you at all.”
“Know this, Lucia—I love you.” Raze felt as though someone was ripping the words from his throat—and his heart from his chest at the same time. “I love you too much to lie to you and Join with you when I know I can’t properly bond you to me.”
“Liar!” she cried. “You’re just making some kind of excuse. I know why you don’t want me—because I come with too much baggage. But you could at least me honest about it!”
“I am being honest!” Raze protested. “Look…” He sighed. “There’s no point in staying and fighting about it.”
“Especially when I told you to go!” She crossed her arms over her chest. “So go on—get out.”
“I will. But Lucia…” He paused for a moment, wishing so badly that he could touch her just one last time. Reaching out, he caressed her heated cheek with just one finger.
Lucia jumped, her eyes growing wide.
“What…what are you…?”
“Remember,” Raze told her, withdrawing his hand reluctantly. “If you ever need me or need anything from me—help, money, anything I can offer—I’ll be on the Mother Ship. I’ll file a permanent pass for you, so all you have to do is mention my name and you’ll be allowed to board.”
“As if that’s going to happen!” she snapped, but the fire was gone from her eyes now, replaced by a sadness so deep it made Raze ache to see it.
You did that, whispered a little voice in his head. You put that sadness there. You broke her heart!
“I’m so damn sorry, Lucia,” he said again. And then he left.
What else could he do?
Eleven
“He never wanted me in the first place,” Luci said dully, when Rochelle asked what had happened the next day. “He made up some bullshit excuse about how he couldn’t ‘bond me to him’ and said that was why we couldn’t be together.”
“Oh, no! Honey, I’m so sorry!” Rochelle enfolded Luci in her arms and held her tight while Luci cried.
“I don’t know what to tell the kids—or my mom,” she sobbed into her friend’s shoulder. “They all love him so much—as much as I loved him! And then he tore out my heart and stamped all over it, the big pendejo!”
“Get it out, girl,” Rochelle murmured, patting her back. “Go on and get it out. Men are assholes. I thought the Kindred were different, but I guess I was wrong.”