My mother cried with happiness when I told her my idea and what I wanted to do, and now I'm not only letting myself down, but I’m also letting her down too.
The key shakes in my hand as I try to plug it into the deadbolt. Finally, after a few missed attempts, I get the key in and force my way inside. Dash is sitting on the couch watching television and says something to me as I rush past.
I ignore him, slamming the door to my bedroom and throwing myself on the bed. My face falls onto the pillow, and I cry. I cry harder than I have in a long time. Tears soak my pillow, drenching the cover and making it cold against my face.
There's a knock on my door. “Anna? You all right?” Dash asks.
I don't answer. I'm sobbing too hard to speak. My chest hurts and I can't breathe. All my dreams of living in a big city are quickly turning to dust. Crumbling right before my very eyes.
“Anna, are you all right?” he asks again, but I still don't answer. “I'm coming in,” he says, opening the door at the same time. He walks straight in and sits on the edge of my bed, then softly touches my shoulder.
I roll my face away from him, still crying.
“What's wrong?”
“Nothing,” I say, my voice hiccupping between breaths and tears.
“Obviously that's a lie. Tell me what happened?”
“It's nothing. Don't worry about it. I'll figure it out on my own.”
His fingers swirl in the center of my back as he shifts on the bed. “I'm sure you will. I don't doubt you'll figure out, but that doesn't answer my question. What happened? Why are you crying?”
I look up at him over my shoulder. My eyes swollen as I blink. “I quit my job.”
“Okay, that's it? You hated that place anyway, so why the tears?”
“The tears aren't just because I quit. Yes, I hated the place, and my boss was an asshole douchebag.” He nods in agreement but stays quiet just listening. “I'm crying because I quit before thinking it through. I just did it, but I should have found another job first. That would have been the smart thing to do.”
“Don't worry, you'll find another job.” His tone is smooth and calming.
“And what if I don't? What if no one else wants to hire a one trick pony? It's not like I have any skills to offer. And worst of all, I have barely any money. Rent is due in a couple weeks, plus all the other bills I have. I can’t afford to live here if I have no income.”
“It’s not over yet. You still have time to find something else. And someone will absolutely hire you, I don’t doubt that at all. It’s too soon for you to worry this way.”
“But it’s not just that.” I flip over so I’m facing him.
“Then what it is? If it’s not about the job, and it’s not about the money, then what?” The look in his eyes says he’s here for me. He’s with me, he’s not just tuning me out. He cares.
I exhale a heavy breath and wipe my eyes with my hands. Sniffling, I try to calm myself down so I can explain what the real reason is for the pain and sadness I feel.
“I’m upset because if I fail, if I can’t do this, and I have to go back home, I’m afraid I’m going to end up like my mother. She’s never gone or done anything. She’s spent her entire life on a farm. And she regrets not seeing the world. I don’t want to live my life with regret. I don’t want to go home and hate myself for losing.”
“I understand what you’re saying. There are things I want, too. I mean shit, I have a trip waiting for me, but I'm here because my sister needed me. I know I'll get to do the things I want one day, but for now, this is where I need to be.”
“You're really here for her?”
“I am, that's what you do when you're family.”
“You shouldn't wait anymore. You should just do it. Go on your trip. If there's anything I've learned from my mom, it's not waiting for something you want. Do it, Dash.”
“I plan on it, but this comes first. I'm here until my sister doesn't need me to be anymore.”
I look up at him as the tears slow to a stop. “It's incredible you put your life on hold for her.”
He shrugs his shoulder. “You choose what matters most when you need to. I'd do it all over again if she asked me to, and not think twice about it.” He lifts his hand to my face and cups my cheek. “And just so you know, I'm here for you too, if you ever need me. No questions asked.”