“That’s not what I meant. I’m just not sure we should rush into anything so major. Why is it so important to you that we move in together?”
He smiled. “I’m not sure you are hearing me correctly. I was offering to have you move in if you want to. I’d love for you to. I think it would be a wonderful thing and bring us even closer together. And it would fast track us moving forward with things. I just thought we could skip a few of the traditional dating steps since we already are totally in love with each other, right?”
I was getting a strange vibe from Darren, but I didn’t think he had any idea that it was occurring. He thought he was just being genuine and maybe he was but it was just not the right time and I was feeling a bit pressured at the moment.
“I see what you are saying, but I’m not ready to do that yet. I’m just not. Let’s slow things down. Isn’t that ok?”
He rubbed my arm and held me closer to him. “Of course. That is fine.”
“Thanks,” I said.
“Babe, that is up to you. I’m just letting you know that the offer is on the table when you decide to take me up on it. Or
if you decide to take me up on it.”
“I appreciate that,” I said.
“Of course,” he said.
We laid there in the bed for a while and eventually, I can’t remember when, but I drifted off to sleep.
When I woke up in the morning, I left early without waking anyone up.
I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts. My head was kind of tripping at the moment. The previous night had done a bit of a number on me. We started off with some sweet lovemaking and then we had a little chat. That was when he confessed his love to me. And I confessed mine to his. I’d really said it. And I was pretty sure that I really meant it.
But then Darren had taken things a step further and actually asked me to move in with him. This was far too soon. I just didn’t see how he could fathom it being a good idea. There was Bobby to think about and then there was the fact that we knew very little about each other. This thing we had that pulled us together was amazing, and I knew I was so in love with him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to move in.
Although, it might have worked out well. Maybe he was right and I was wrong. Was I just being scared for no reason? I didn’t know. It was too much to think about. I needed a break. This was getting too real, too scary for me to handle. I had to take a step back.
But I knew that I would not step away from Darren or Bobby. I would be there for them and I would be a part of their lives as long as they wanted me to be.
I arrived home and took a shower. Then I decided I would take the morning to rest up a bit. It was cold and starting to snow. My only class that day was at noon. Then I was free as a breeze. It was usually the day that I got caught up on school work, but today I just didn’t feel like doing much. I had too much heavy stuff on the brain to really delve into the work I had to do. I would figure it out later.
Ida was already gone, or perhaps she never really came home. Sometimes she disappeared with a boyfriend and stayed gone for a few days at a time. She was such a free spirit. She would have told Darren no and then spent literally no more time thinking about it. I was obsessing over whether or not I was doing the right thing.
I was happy. And if I was happy with the way things were then why was I thinking about making some changes. Did I think that they would make me happier somehow? I was rather sure that they wouldn’t.
I fixed myself a cup of coffee and went foraging in the pantry for donuts. I found some hiding behind bags of potato chips and I dipped three large ones onto a small plate. Then I took my coffee with me into the living room.
I found some movies to watch on a streaming service and settled into my lazy morning. All the while, the snow was falling faster and faster outside. Within a few hours we had a couple inches on the ground. I could hear the snowplows out there working on making the streets safer. But I wasn’t relishing my nice little commute to the university.
But when the time came for me to leave, I was pleasantly surprised that I was mostly seeing ice free roads. The snow had stopped and the salt was doing its job. I got dressed reluctantly and went to my abnormal psychology class.
The class was pretty interesting actually. It was one of the few classes I had this semester that actually had something to do with psychology or the human mind. It seemed that somehow my school had decided to cram all of my general education requirement classes in this semester. I had an English, a biology, and a history class. It was a bit boring, and it felt a lot like high school. But I was almost done with the degree. That was all that mattered. I’d just have to get through it.
As I sat there in the class trying to listen to the professor’s lecture, I kept getting this sinking feeling inside of me. It was like this huge wave of guilt that was just echoing right through me repeatedly in a single flash. It was almost sickening. I wanted to run off to a small, dark corner to hide in and no one was letting me do that.
I was still terrified of the new relationship. Maybe I wasn’t ready to be in a thing with anyone. Was it a mistake to let myself fall so hopelessly in love with Darren so quickly? Yes, but I wasn’t sure it was something that I helped him do. It just happened so naturally and I wasn’t sure I could help it. No, I could not change the way I felt about him and I couldn’t change how I felt when I first saw him. That love, that passion that came together between the two of us almost instantly wasn’t something that ever really happened in real life. It was the type of thing that you fantasized about, that you dreamt about. It wasn’t real.
Except this time, it was. I knew it was. I felt it and I couldn’t deny my feelings. But why was I denying them now? I wanted to live with Darren; I was just afraid. There was too much unknown and was fear the reason I wasn’t going to do anything? That was what got me in trouble before where I was alone for so long. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to be in love until I met him. I knew it was cheesy and silly to the older generation but that was the way I felt.
After class, I rushed out of the classroom towards the parking lot. I needed to talk to someone. I decided I might go to my parent’s house and have a chat with my mom. She was great at giving advice sometimes.
I walked out of the building and headed for the parking lot. I was about halfway across when suddenly, my foot slipped on a piece of ice. I went down quickly to the pavement. It was a hard fall and it hurt, even though I caught myself with my hands on the ground. The pain of the icy asphalt dug itself into my hands.
I winced with the pain and I struggled to stand up, but then I felt the pain in my knees and it felt like there was a sheet of ice right underneath me. My feet started to slip again and I had to catch myself a second time to steady my weight.
That was when I heard the squealing brakes of a car coming at me. I barely had time to react. I tried to scramble and move my feet but they were stuck on the block of ice and I was going nowhere. The car was coming fast. It would nail me within a second. I had to do something, but I was frozen in place. I was going nowhere.