WATCHING Kai have nightmares about me, guts me. It’s like living through a never-ending explosion, ripping my heart to tiny little pieces. Over and over. There is nothing left of my heart when I see her pain.
It’s like Kai is strangling it, stabbing it, and drowning it all simultaneously, unable to decide which will inflict the worst pain on me.
I’ve felt so much pain in my life, but none worse than what I experience seeing Kai in pain. No training my father put me through could have prepared me for seeing her in this much pain.
Fuck.
This is the worst kind of punishment, and I deserve every drop of it. Kai may not be purposefully punishing me. She may not feel this is all my fault. But I know it is.
Kai’s life before my world entered it wasn’t perfect, far from it, but she saw a way out. She had a chance to get away, and instead of letting her go, I trapped her in this world.
I deserve so much worse than watching her in pain because of me. I took the beautiful spark inside her and drowned it.
It’s still there, I know it. She’ll find it again, but without me. I’ve hurt her too many times. Failed her more than either of us can count. And loving her will only result in her early death. I’ve already risked her life too many times. Danger follows me wherever I go. And being one of the most powerful men in the world will draw my enemies to her. If my enemies know I love her, they will try to hurt her to get to me.
That’s what this world does to people like us. We live a life of luxury, but one where we are always looking over our shoulder to see who wants to kill us. We always have to be at the top of our game to survive.
This shouldn’t be Kai’s life. I love her, and loving her means I have to be strong enough to protect her, which means getting her as far away from me as possible. Because I will suck the life out of her.
Tomorrow the fourth game starts. I’m currently winning two to one. Tomorrow I could clinch the win. Then all that would be left is sorting out heirs and completing the paperwork for the next generation of competitors.
Please let the game tomorrow be kind to Kai.
I don’t care if she wins or loses. I’ll support whatever she wants. But I can’t let this game hurt her. She’s already hurting too much.
Please let it not risk her life, not hurt her.
Who am I kidding? My father created this game. It will be the worst kind of pain. The worst kind of torture.
The sun seems to stretch out infinitely, the day moving slower than any days before. Kai stays outside soaking in every ray of sun with us. None of us speak to each other. We just drink, like alcohol is the only thing to take away all of our pain.
We all have torment for different reasons. But the only pain I’m focused on is Kai’s. She is my everything. My sun and my night. My reason for living and my reason for dying.
I’ve failed before. I won’t fail again. She will never suffer again. I will not let it happen.
From now on, she is my queen. She is no longer a stingray. She will no longer have to use her stinger to protect herself. I will lay down everything for her.
The men and women who work for the organization may think I’m the best leader for them. They are wrong. I’m the worst. Because I will put Kai above all their lives. Maybe at one time I would have made a great leader, but not anymore.
These games are a waste.
Kai doesn’t want to become Black.
And I only want to use the power to protect her.
Neither of us is worthy of the title.
Neither of us will do the job required of us.
Neither of us will be selfless enough to run a powerful empire, using the power to protect the lives that work for us.
Finally, the sun begins to set, and Kai gets up from her chair. I watch her disappear inside silently. Liesel follows next. Then eventually Langston.
I’m alone.
I’m always alone.
I’ve lived alone, and I’ll die alone.