“You’re going to die, Edric,” I say in a neutral tone, knowing the effects of the drug are fading and he can hear me even if he can’t move. “It’s a nightmare to want to move but not have the ability to, isn’t it?” I continue. “That’s how I felt every time you walked into my room and jerked off to my body. That’s how I stayed when your semen coated my skin.”
He makes an unintelligible sound, but all he manages to get out is drool that trickles down his chin. I couldn’t begin to think what he means by that — not that it matters. This time, it’s all about me, not him.
“I screamed in my head, too, just like I’m sure you’re doing right now. But you know what happens when you scream and there’s no sound? You kind of stop screaming, stop making yourself noticeable, and soon enough, you stop existing. You want to purge it somehow, but you can’t cry or talk o
r even breathe. That’s how I’ve lived for the past eleven years, like a shadow of myself, a ghost of what I should’ve been.
“I was so numb, I slept with countless men as soon as I could. I lost my virginity at thirteen just so I could get rid of the numbness and prove I’m not a freak, prove I can feel, but no matter how much sex I had, the numbness never left. It’s there, in every fucking moment, in every waking second, and even in sleep. Until…Ronan.”
My voice breaks and I clear my throat so he doesn’t hear it. “That’s another reason why I hate you. You didn’t just steal my childhood — you also took away Ronan. Why did he have to be your son? Why is the only person who makes sense your fucking heir? Do you know what the ironic part is? While you were engrossed in your paedophile activities with me, your own son got molested.”
The sounds he’s making increase in volume, his mumbled words successive but still unintelligible. The seatbelt holds him in place, so he couldn’t move a muscle even if he tried to.
“Right.” I laugh without humour. “You don’t know that because you’re not only a fucked-up human being but also a horrible father. Yes, Edric, Ronan was molested during that Halloween night he dressed up as Dracula and you left him alone. That’s why he’s so overly joyful sometimes. It’s his defence mechanism when the memories become too much, just like it’s my defence mechanism to run, to prove I actually exist.”
His fingers twitch, and he almost lifts a hand but it soon falls limp by his side.
“Nooooo…” he slurs, the sound almost haunting.
“Yes,” I say. “And now, I have to erase you off the face of the earth. You know, my original plan was to kill you then walk away, travel, and live the life you robbed me of. But I can’t do that anymore. Do you know why?”
He makes another noise, and this time, I place the needle near his throat. That makes him pause his attempts to move.
“Because I can’t live in a world where Ronan hates me. I can’t be out there after killing his father and knowing the pain I caused him.” A tear slides down my cheek then, and I taste salt.
I pause, my eyes widening.
A tear.
My first tear for myself in over a decade.
Edric stares at me, too, as if feeling my pain and how the reality of things is slashing me from the inside out and I have no way to stop it.
Only he doesn’t feel. He’s a monster.
“Why did it have to be you? Just why?”
He doesn’t answer.
He can’t.
“It’s the end, Edric. It ends how it started.” I hit the accelerator. “See you in hell.”
I can’t live in a world where Ronan hates me, so it’s only fair I pay for my sins in this life.
Where Edric goes, I’ll go.
Maybe there, I’ll be free.
Maybe there, I’ll think of a life where Ronan and I were meant to be together.
I’m sorry, Ronan. I’m so sorry.
33
Ronan
Fuck.