I’d kill him.
It was that simple.
He held me a prisoner all my life. I couldn’t break free, not even with the therapists or in a family setting or anything.
I never told this to anyone, but you might as well be the first to know it. The little girl who was violated over and over again never left me. Her shadow is currently perching on my shoulder, telling me to set her free, and I know I won’t be able to do that unless I kill him.
That girl cries all the time, her eyes hollow and haunting, but I can’t even cry. She can’t speak, but I can. She can’t help herself, but I will.
It’s my duty. It’s why I grew up. Why I ran. Why I exist.
It was so simple.
But then you came along, and I thought maybe I could exist for something else. Maybe I could be with you and let you in.
I want to.
You don’t know how much I want to, Ronan. I’ve never felt as alive as when I’m with you. I never woke up and felt happiness until I realised you were by my side.
You’re the only one who gave another meaning to my life aside from revenge. You set me on fire, and you didn’t run away from the ashes. You kissed me and didn’t want to leave me.
I don’t deserve that.
You’re the light despite the darkness. You’re the hope despite the black dots. You’re strong despite the weakness.
You didn’t let that man take your life. I let him take mine.
The thing is, we met under the wrong circumstances, Ronan.
I didn’t approach you for you. I approached you for your family name.
I approached you because you’re the son of the man I decided to kill.
Your father took my life, and now I’m taking his.
I feel so sorry for you and Charlotte and even Lars, but I can’t live in a world where scum like Edric Astor exists.
I know you will never forgive me, but I hope you find it in you to understand me.
What I feel for you is more than love. It’s something overpowering, but also empowering. It’s believing I can be normal even when I don’t know what normal is. It’s smiling and laughing out loud without even realising it.
I wish we’d met under different circumstances and with different names.
I wish I could wake up to your face every day.
If there’s a next life, let’s meet there, okay?
Goodbye,
Teal
32
Teal
It’s so easy.
The whole process went off without a hitch. I had to stop and stare in my rear-view mirror a few times, expecting to find police cars following us.