And still they both had to get through tonight. She’d told Gideon she could do this. But every lonely second of delay made her bravado less and less convincing. If he didn’t appear soon, her failing courage would desert her altogether.
Charis bit her lip and closed her eyes, whispering a silent prayer for strength. It didn’t help.
When she opened her eyes, Gideon stood on the threshold. The doors in St. Helier’s best hostelry were, of course, well oiled.
“Hello,” she said stupidly, although she’d only left him to his brandy half an hour ago, and they’d spent an entire strained day together, carefully avoiding the subject of what happened tonight.
His beautiful mouth quirked in the wry smile that was indelibly imprinted on her poor yearning heart. “Hello to you too.”
He was in shirtsleeves and trousers. The neck was open, slashing down to reveal a solid chest covered in curling dark hair. The sight shocked her. She’d imagined him hairless, like the marble statues in the hall at Marley Place. His long narrow feet were bare. He still wore his fine tan kid gloves.
All this she took in with one sweeping look, aware he studied her in his turn. What did he see? She kept the covers pulled to her shoulders as she sat against the carved oak bedhead. She’d plaited her hair as usual. It seemed inappropriate to leave it loose, too bridal when she didn’t feel remotely like a bride.
She overcame her crippling shyness to glance into his face again. His fleeting amusement had evaporated. He was pale, and that telltale muscle flickered in his lean cheek.
“What…what do you want me to do?” she asked almost soundlessly.
Why, oh, why did this have to be so awkward? Surely people consummated marriages—or did this without legal niceties—all the time. Yet she was so nervous, she felt sick.
He stepped into the room and shut the door after him. “Lie down. Close your eyes,” he said in a somber voice. “I’ll try to be quick.”
Charis’s heart clenched with misery. She was sure when those other people came together, they said more than that. But those people wanted what was to occur. She bit back a protest at the bleak crudeness of it all.
He didn’t come nearer. “Would you like me to blow out the candles?”
She started to shake her head, then nodded. “Yes, please.” What happened was better done in shadow.
She watched him move around the room with his usual catlike grace. Soon the only light was the fire’s flickering golden glow.
He stopped beside the bed. With his back to the hearth, she couldn’t see his expression. He ran his hand through his hair, ruffling it. She itched to rise on her knees and smooth it. But, of course, she couldn’t touch him.
The agony of that knowledge carved a crack in her heart as wide and deep as the sea they’d crossed to reach Jersey.
“Are…are you going to undress?” she asked uncertainly.
“No.”
She bit her lip again. Her fingers tightened on the sheet until they ached. Gideon stood close enough for her to hear the uneven hiss of his breath. She looked at the superb man she’d married and wished with every particle of her being she was anywhere but here.
“Charis, I’ll have to pull the covers away,” he said with gentle insistence.
She realized she clutched the sheet like a shield. Absurd. She’d agreed to this. He was here for her sake and at great cost to himself. Too late to cavil at the bargain she’d made.
“Of course.” With difficulty, she relaxed her clawlike grip.
Down, down the blankets went, until she lay revealed to her bare toes. She closed her eyes because she wasn’t brave enough to look into Gideon’s face. Uncontrollable heat rose in her cheeks. He’d see she was naked beneath her shift. A nauseating mixture of nerves and embarrassment kept her stiff and unmoving.
He was so still, standing next to the bed, that she couldn’t even hear him breathing anymore.
He’d warned her he’d be clumsy. She was smart enough to believe him. She braced for him to grab her, but nothing happened.
What was he waiting for? Dear heaven, did the sight of
her shatter his resolution? Now the moment of truth arrived, was he unable to go through with it?
“My God, but you’re glorious,” he whispered hoarsely.
Her eyes flew open with disbelieving shock. “What?”