"Come home whenever you want, baby girl." He was choked up. "I can't believe you're leaving me."
I kissed my dad on the cheek. I heard a horn honking outside.
New Apartment
Amelia
It was the movers. I opened the door, and the three of us moved all the boxes out. We set up a rotation so that three of us got what we needed, loaded it onto a rolling cart, and got it into the moving van. Dad locked himself up in his office. I knew he had bourbon in there, because I used to sneak it for my friends when we were in high school. The housekeeper always kept it topped up and full. It looked like he would be depleting his supply right about now.
My moving van followed me to my new apartment. I had to type the address into my GPS in order to find it. It wasn't big, and it wasn't much. I had left behind my father's spacious, airy house for this little brown brick building. It looked like it was built during the 1950s, all straight lines, nothing like my own house.
The movers helped me move in the boxes.
"This sure is different, miss. Are you sure you don't want to turn around? There would be no charge. We could just forget that you tried to move out."
I spotted a spider spinning a web in a corner and sighed. I was afraid of spiders, but I guess that I had to deal. ”No. I'm fine here. Thank you two so much for helping me out." I tipped them $100, paid the invoice with a check, and sent them on their way.
I had only brought the things that I could handle or carry. That meant that I didn't have a bed. I had a sleeping bag back from when I was in Girl Scouts. I knew that it was a one-size-fits all deal. When I unrolled it, it was musty after years of not being used. I tried to get some of the dust out of it. It was the best that I had for now. I could go shopping for a bed soon, but for tonight this was what I had.
I rolled myself up in my sleeping bag. I missed Jimmy. I missed his big body next to mine. I wished that he and I worked out, that our relationship could have lasted. He could move here.
I thought of the way that he kept farmer's hours, and I thought of the old, lived-in home. I thought about his mother living in Chicago. No. Jimmy would not move here for me, even for love. I would not move to Wisconsin for him, even for love.
I felt like my heart was squished inside of a construction vise. I left part of me in that house in Wisconsin in Jimmy's hands. I wished that I had not had to shut him down, but what other choice did I have? I couldn't live without the things that I needed.
I cried softly, my tears streaming down my cheeks and into my ears, and I eventually fell asleep.
I Dream of Jimmy
Amelia
When I woke up, I felt much better. I stretched a little bit. I was stiff from sleeping on the wooden floor. I was glad that I was in an apartment, because the floor was heated by the people downstairs. I saw my thermostat, but I did not know how to use it. That would wait for later today. I went to my shower with my box in hand, and I took a long shower. After standing under the warm spray, I felt better. Clean. Fresh. Renewed. I could do this.
I popped and looked at my bank account. Daddy hadn't cut me off. I was still good to go.
I went shopping, but this time it wasn't for couture clothes. I put together the things that I needed for a household. Instead of buying a big bed that needed to be put together, I bought a queen-sized bed made out of foam. I had a little bed stand that didn't require a box spring. That would be much more comfortable than the decayed relic of a sleeping bag that I had used last night. I knew that I could turn my tiny apartment into a little home. I transferred half of my trust fund account into my personal account. Yeah, there might be some ramifications, but the money there could keep me afloat without a job for at least a year. The job money would be a side bonus.
I bought a bunch of groceries to go home. I didn't really know how to cook. When I went home and looked up cooking classes in my area, it was all for people who wanted to learn how to cook Cordon Bleu kind of dishes. Instead, I ordered Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything off of Amazon in the Kindle format. I knew enough to cook my own pasta, and I poured some microwaved spaghetti sauce on top of it. There. I had cooked for myself.
I texted my dad goodnight, and I fell asleep.
I dreamed about Jimmy and the day that we played with snow. I was cold in the dream, but I was happy. We lay down in the snow together, making snow angels. He kissed me, as he had in real life, but this time he didn't stop. We got our lower halves naked, and I didn't mind the cold press of the snow around my body when his hot body was on top of mine. The snow melted to cold water around us as we made passionate love with him on top and still encased in our snow clothes.
I woke up with my arm wrapped around myself, as if I had been hugged in my sleep. I let some tears fall, and then I made myself stop. There was no use in beating myself up over what
might have been. If I wanted to be a grown woman, I could sure act like one.
I made a plan to go out with my friend Amanda that night. Maybe a little fun was in order.
Partying
Amelia
TWO MONTHS LATER
Like every night of the last two months, I got dressed in one of my scandalous dresses, the kind that I would wear a trench coat over if I were still living at home. It was very expensive. My seamstress had told me that it was so expensive because getting the fabric to hold together when there was so little of it was more challenging than putting together a sturdy dress that had lots of cloth.
I went out with my friend Amanda, the wildest one of us. Miraculously, despite the booze and late nights, she was a glowingly gorgeous girl who attracted boys like a flower attracted bees. Our friends called her Bacon, because boys acted as if she smelled like bacon.