And I’m grateful when I finally become absorbed in it, losing my own thoughts and feelings to a world of lace and happy endings.
Chapter 11 - Gabriel
I thought being back in the office would help. But no matter how hard I’ve been trying to work, I can’t seem to concentrate. I feel like I'm on edge and I don't know why. It's making me insane, and making it impossible to get anything done.
I hate days where I'm not productive, and having this many in a row? It’s enough to make me fucking crazy. I tap my fingers rhythmically on my desk. I can't seem to sit still. Maybe it's because my mind is filled with a million thoughts and I can't seem to make them go away.
I look around my office and my eyes land on my clock on the wall. I roll my eyes when I see it's barely 9 am. Clearly this is going to be a long day. I hope I have enough mental strength to get through it. With a groan of frustration, I lean back in my chair, absentmindedly chewing on my thumbnail. I’ve never done that before. I realize what I'm doing and quickly pull my finger away from my mouth. No need for a new bad habit.
My gaze remains firmly locked on my cell phone. It sits in front of me on my desk. A few seconds pass. Suddenly I lean forward and grab it. I hold onto it for a few seconds. I look at it again, then shake my head. I slowly put it back down on the desk.
This whole stupid ritual is one I’ve been repeating, over and over, every day since my date with Lorelai. Ever since that night, I have been a confused and emotional wreck. I don't know why, this isn't me. I never develop feelings or emotions. I don't do attachments or relationships. So why am I acting like that's what this is turning into? I have no idea.
I get up and look out my office window, gazing at the street below. My eyes follow a couple of people out walking. The anxious feelings are still building, making me restless, so I start pacing the length of my office. I'm kicking myself.
It was foolish of me to get her number. It was even more foolish to promise that I would call her. I knew temptation was going to get the better of me. Now that I have her number I'll want to call her and see her again. I also feel guilty. I lied to her, I let her believe I would call.
I stop pacing and take a deep breath. I stand there and just fucking remind myself who I am and feel a little calmer. My mind a little more settled, I try again to focus, and I read through the stack of memos that's on my desk.
But of course, my mind drifts right back.
I mean, I only paid for the one date and that's all I needed right? I feel the doubt growing in my mind. I slam the paper that I was reading down on my desk in frustration. I can't get her out of my head. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I put my head in my hands and groan loudly.
I'm going to have a wicked headache, or stomach ache if I keep thinking about this. Or both. Lifting my head, I reach into my desk drawer and pull out a couple of antacid, popping them into my mouth. I put the bottle back in the drawer and chew the chalky tablets.
I think about that night constantly. I could have listened to her talk all night, about flowers, her bridal shop…hell, she could read me the phone book and I think I’d still be smitten.
I loved it when she would laugh or smile. The way her eyes lit up in the moonlight. How I could see some of her freckles up close.
I think about that kiss. It had been perfect in a way I’d never experienced. I got to feel a little of her body when I pulled her closer. She had more than my heart at attention last night. I sigh wistfully. She's sweet, and beautiful with a body built for sin. Ideally she is the perfect woman. Any other man would be all over her in a second. The only things that are holding me back are these feelings that I seem to be developing for her. And to anyone else, they’d be a good thing. But I always do my best to keep this from happening. But maybe this time I can’t help it, because I've never met anyone like her before.
She really is the complete package. She is the exact opposite of every woman I have been with. It's just my luck that I happened to run into her at the auction. I play that night in my head again, all the way up until our kiss. Before I can stop myself, my thoughts go further. I imagine driving her home after the kiss. She invites me in. I can feel every curve of her body when she kisses me, pressing close. I imagine my fingers tangling in her red hair. Her eyes sparkling with desire.