Shit, I was gonna be a father.
No, I wasn’t expecting it.
And fuck no, I was not ready for it.
But my fear wouldn’t change the future, so I needed to accept what was to come and man up.
When Muse was so afraid of what my reaction would be, that forced me to be strong for her. It forced me to be the rock that she needed me to be. She already had all the stress on her shoulders because the baby was living inside her.
My job was to make her calm.
Mission accomplished.
But now, it was my time to freak out.
When I grabbed the phone, I debated who to call first. Carter was my best friend, but for some reason, that didn’t feel right. The only person I really wanted to call was my own father. When my mother was pregnant with me, he said he wasn’t ready to start a family. But the accident ended up being the best thing that ever happened to him.
So I called him.
Despite the late hour, he answered almost immediately. “Con, are you alright?” Protective and serious, he was ready for the worst possible news. He’d lived a life of crime before I came along, and old habits died hard.
“Yeah, I’m alright. But I need to talk to you…in private.”
“Give me a second.” He turned to speak to my mother in the background. “I’ve got to take care of some business, Button.” The sound was then muffled as he walked to his office in a different area of the house. Once the door clicked behind him, he spoke again. “I’m here.”
“Well…I’m not sure how to say this. I guess I’m just going to say it.”
“Alright.” He turned quiet, letting me have the floor.
“Sapphire is pregnant.” I said the words out loud, and once I heard them, they felt even more real. She was having my baby. I would be a father. We would be a family. Just yesterday, all I cared about was my lingerie show. Now that seemed so damn insignificant.
My father was quiet for a while. “I wasn’t expecting you to say that, son.”
“I wasn’t expecting her to say it to me either.”
“I hate to ask…but is it yours?”
“No doubt.” I wasn’t going to get a test done. If Muse said she didn’t sleep with anyone else, I believed her. Just as she believed that I hadn’t been with anyone else either. There was no reason for either of us to lie. Even when we were apart, we were committed to each other…because we loved each other.
My father didn’t press that topic any further. “How do you feel about it?”
“Kids were the last thing on my mind…” I knew I could be honest with my father. He wouldn’t judge me for anything I said.
“That was how I felt when your mother was pregnant with you.”
“I’m not ready for any of this, but that doesn’t matter. Sapphire was really scared to tell me. She was afraid of my reaction, not that I blame her. But seeing her so scared made me want to make everything better. So I told her it would be alright, that it would be okay.”
“It will be okay, Con. Once the shock wears off, it’ll get easier. Every man is afraid to be a father. Every man is afraid he won’t do a good job. Any man who thinks fatherhood is easy and simple obviously hasn’t put much thought into it.”
“Yeah…”
“Did you offer to marry her?”
My dad would punch me if I didn’t. “Of course.”
“And did she say yes?”
“Not formally. She said we didn’t need to get married if that’s not what I wanted.”
“She doesn’t strike me as a woman who would try to trap you. She seems like she genuinely loves you…for who you are.”
“She does.” I had no doubt of that. “Which is why I want to marry her. I’ve never felt this way about another woman before her. When she told me she was pregnant, it made me think of what you said to me…that just because I wasn’t ready didn’t mean it wasn’t already happening. Maybe I wasn’t ready to love her…but I do love her. Maybe I’m not ready to be a father…but we’re a family. And maybe I’m not ready to be a husband, but I’ve already committed my whole life to her.”
“Exactly.”
“I don’t want another woman as long as I live.”
“So this is a blessing.”
“It is,” I whispered.
“Congratulations. I’m very happy for you. It’s hard to see now, but having children is the greatest joy you’ll ever know. When they’re young…when they’re old. It’s like having your heart live outside your body. I didn’t think I’d love anyone more than your mother…and then you were born. Then Vanessa was born…and your mother moved to the bottom of the list. It’s strange…hard to understand until you experience it yourself. Right now, this seems like the most stressful day of your life. But when you look back on it, you’ll realize it’s the happiest.”