I’m ready before Laurie and Christi, so when they decide they need makeup wipes to repair a contouring error, I volunteer to go down to the hotel pharmacy. Once there, I quickly pick the wipes off the shelves, buying alcohol-free ones as well, just in case. I’m already on my way to the counter when something makes me stop.
I’m standing in the w
omen’s product section, and the shelves on my left are stocked with tampons.
Reminding me of the untouched ones still in my luggage.
I frown, wondering how long ago I should have needed them. At least a few days ago.
I breathe, telling myself not to panic, but instantly, my mind goes back to those two weeks when I’d been miserable, uncertain if Landon would ever come back to me. How many days of my pills had I missed?
Taking a deep breath, I look through the shelves until I find the pregnancy test kits. Back in the suite, I give Laurie the wipes, then go inside my room and use all four sticks I bought.
It only takes a few minutes, by the time Laurie and Christi are finally ready and we all go downstairs to the waiting car, my fear has been confirmed.
I’m pregnant.
I’M pregnant.
Throughout the journey to the club, I remain in a daze, unable to pay attention to anything happening around me, floating somewhere between absolute pleasure and tortuous uncertainty. The thought of Landon’s child, my child, growing inside me fills me with a sense of delight that I can’t deny, but we’ve never talked about children. Our greatest commitment is admitting that we love each other, and deciding to live together. A child is a huge leap forward that I don’t know if we’re ready to take.
I barely remember refusing the shots Berry brings to our table, or refusing the next round of drinks, and asking for water instead. Everybody else is screaming and laughing, having fun, but I’m spaced out, not quite sure of what I should do.
“Are you alright?” I look up to see Laurie’s concerned face. “You don’t look too good.”
“I’m a little tired,” I tell her apologetically, realizing that I have to pull myself together somehow and be present for her party. “I’m sorry. I need some air. I’ll be right back.”
I go back toward the entrance, stepping outside to the wide expanse of lawn separating the building, which looks like an old colonial home, from the quiet street.
“Are you alright madam?”
It’s one of the bouncers. I wave a hand to let him know I’m fine. The last time I spoke with Landon was last night, and I know that today he’s in San Francisco. As I pull out my phone from my clutch, I wonder if it’s too late to call him, but I do anyway, because I desperately need to talk to him.
I wait for the connection, my anxiety mixed with the images of a cute baby with Landon’s eyes that are starting to fill my head.
But… what if he doesn’t want children?
What if he’s not ready?
What if I’m not ready?
Apprehension builds in my stomach and I try to breathe, to calm myself. I need to tell him, to hear what he’s going to say.
The phone starts to ring on his end, and he answers after a few rings. “I can’t talk now,” is the first thing he says. “I’ll call you later.”
“Landon…” I start to reply when I hear the voice on the other end.
“I suppose that’s the girlfriend,” she’s saying. It’s Ava. Her voice is unmistakable and mocking. “How like her to somehow interrupt…”
I don’t hear the rest of what she says. I frown and look at my screen, and the call is still on. “Hello?” My voice is frantic as insane possibilities roar through my head.
“I’m here.” Landon’s voice is quiet. “I’ll call you later.”
“Who is that?” I say thinly, wanting more than anything for him to tell me that it’s someone else. “Who’s there with you?”
“Ava,” he replies. There is resignation in his voice.
I don’t say anything. Ava! Of all people, and of all the moments! I cut the connection, silence the phone, and place it back in my purse. My mind is purposely blank as I make my way back inside. Because I know that if I allow myself to think of Landon with Ava, of the sharp pang of jealousy making its way through my body, of the pictures rearing up in my head, I won’t be able to be there for my cousin tonight.