'It's getting obvious,' my mother said.
'Okay, so I've moved out of Morelli's house. It's not like it's the end of the world. We haven't even totally broken up this time.
We're still tal
king to each other.'
'You moved out? But aren't you pregnant?'
I was stunned. Pregnant? Me? I looked down at my belly. Yikes.
I did look pregnant. I was on the pill, but I guess there could have been a slip-up. I did a fast calculation and stifled a sigh of relief. I wasn't pregnant.
`I'M not pregnant,' I said.
'It's the doughnuts,' Grandma said. 'I know a doughnut butt when I see one.'
I looked around for a knife. I was going to kill myself. 'I've been under a lot of stress,' I said.
'You could get that fat sucked out,' Grandma said. 'I saw a show on it last night. They showed a doctor sucking a whole load of fat out of some woman right on television. I almost threw up watching it.'
The front door crashed open, and Mary Alice galloped in.
Valerie followed with the baby. Angie followed Valerie.
Angie and Mary Alice immediately went to the television.
Valerie brought the baby into the kitchen with her.
'Look who's here,' Grandma said to Valerie. 'Stephanie came early, and she's not even going to leave right away.'
Valerie set the diaper bag on the floor and looked at me wide-eyed.
'Oh my gosh,' she said. 'You're pregnant!'
That's what we thought, too,' Grandma said. Turns out she's just fat.'
'It's stress,' I said. 'I need to relax. Maybe I'm drinking too much coffee.'
`I'm telling you, it's the doughnuts,' Grandma said. The Plum side of the family finally caught up with you. You don't watch out you're going to look like your Aunt Stella.'
Stella had to have someone else tie her shoes.
'Your pants aren't buttoned,' Mary Alice said to me as she galloped through. 'Did you know that?'
Okay. Fine. I'll never eat again. Not ever. I'll drink water. But wait a minute, suppose the Junkman finds me and I get shot. I could end up on life support, and I could need the extra fat. Maybe the extra fat is a good thing. An act of God!
'What have we got for dessert?' I asked my mother.
'Chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream.'
If God had wanted me to lose weight he would have made sure there was creamed spinach for dessert.
Albert Kloughn arrived at six o'clock sharp.
`I'm not late, am I?' he asked. 'I was working, and I lost track of time. I'm sorry if I'm late.'
'You're not late,' my mother said. 'You're just in time.'