“Well…” A hint of a smile formed on the corner of her lips, but it quickly faded. “I always did have a crush on you. I never expected it to be anything more than a harmless infatuation.”
Eliza and I walked back to the fire station where we said our goodbyes. There was no contact—no hug. It was just awkward silence after the words were said and then she was gone. I went back into the fire station and sat down in the chair that I normally sat in, waiting for a call so that I would have something to distract me from the agony I was feeling. I hoped that she would find some semblance of peace in what she said. At least she was able to get it off her chest. I definitely didn’t deserve forgiveness, but if it let her rest at night, then I was glad she found the courage to give it. Hudson returned, changed out of his gear, and went to hang out with some of the other guys. If he saw the wedding invitation in his locker, he didn’t acknowledge it. Dark thoughts started to fill my head once the agony took its toll. The darkness I had escaped clawed at me—I needed a fucking drink.
“Hey Chief.” I walked into the office near the back part of the fire station. “I’m not feeling well—I think I need to head home early.”
“It’s dead anyway. Go ahead. I hope you get to feeling better.” Chief Traywick lifted his head and nodded.
“Thanks.” I left his office and headed for the door.
I drove to the liquor store and bought a bottle of the cheap stuff that used to get me through a rough night. Once I was back at my house, I stared at the bottle for nearly an hour, remembering what it did to me. Drinking it would be a mistake. I don’t know if I was really an alcoholic, because I was able to stop once Hudson talked some sense into me, but I still knew how dark the road would be if I opened the bottle. It would numb the pain, make me forget everything Eliza said for a little while.
It would hurt worse when my drunken stupor was over, but the temporary respite would give me some relief. I grabbed the bottle and twisted the top off. Even the smell was enough to make my stomach turn. I lifted it to my lips but paused before the alcohol entered my mouth. A clarity that had been denied crept into my thoughts. I didn’t deserve to numb the pain. I needed to endure it. That was my penance—to carry that agony until I was inside a coffin. I walked to the kitchen and poured the entire bottle down the drain. I regretted it as soon as the liquor disappeared, but I was at peace with my de
cision.
I might as well go stare at the ceiling in my bedroom. I sure as fuck won’t be able to sleep tonight.
14
Eliza
Preston was no longer my demon. He was expunged. All of the hurtful things he said to me before I left home were a lie, but they were deeper than deception. He pushed me away because he cared. He pushed me away because I stood between him and the future he dreamed about. It was a mirror image of the woman I could have become—had I chosen to leave Andalusia on my own terms after Hudson said he loved me. Preston made that decision for me, but I could have easily made it myself. I was conflicted when I decided that I would stay—that I would chase love instead of California. Forgiveness was easy. If I bottled hate for everyone who had disappointed me over the years, I wouldn’t have had room for anything else. I was tired of feeling that way. The scar Preston left on my heart was going to heal, but in seeing my own path to redemption I saw something else—what it would truly mean if I left again.
I felt a sickness in my gut for even considering it. Hudson had been so amazing to me since we reconnected. He provided more stability than I was used to, and I didn’t know how to embrace that kind of feeling. I didn’t know how to be a normal person—a normal girlfriend. I knew I could trust Hudson, but my past made me so determined to maintain my independence. It was easier. There truly was a balance between the woman I became after I left Andalusia and the one who still needed to be loved. Hudson could be my rock—my anchor—and I could still drift without the fear of floating away. I needed something else from him though, and I knew he was strong enough to give it to me. Pain had become such a central focus in my life for so long that the absence of it left me unable to focus on anything else. I needed to taste Hudson’s dominance again. If the internal pain was gone, then I needed the physical pain.
* * *
The next day
“Good morning.” Hudson opened his door and smiled as soon as he saw me.
“I need you.” I stepped into his house and wrapped my arms around his neck.
“You don’t even want coffee first?” He pulled me close as our lips came together.
I didn’t need coffee. What I needed was something that would make me buzz more than caffeine, nicotine, or even liquor could ever hope to do. I needed Hudson to give it to me, and I would beg for it if I had to. I needed him to punish me—for daring to consider leaving even though he didn’t know the conflict that I had been struggling with. I needed the liberation—the emotional release—the purity that only he would be able to give me. There wasn’t enough time to explain it. I might even try to talk myself out of it if I tried to put those thoughts into words, but it was a craving. I saw the way it made his eyes burn with desire, and while that storm had raged many times when I was in his arms, I needed it to be even more intense. The beast that lingered below the surface needed to be freed from his soul as bad as I needed to become its victim. I finally saw that. I finally understood the true path to redemption.
“I’ve been a naughty girl.” I leaned against his ear and purred. “Do you still remember what you do to naughty girls?”
“I do.” He pulled back from me and I saw a smile form on the corner of his lips. “You’re certainly in a mood this morning.”
“Well you better do something about it.” I bit down on my bottom lip and our eyes locked together.
The first time he put me over his knee and spanked me, it had been playful, but it brought something out of him. I needed to bring it out of him again. It was almost there. Just the mention was enough to make it burn below the surface. Hudson seemed to understand what I needed, or at least understood what I was asking for. I hoped he would see the need once we were in the bedroom. He pulled me down the hallway, pausing to kiss me along the way. I loved the way his lips felt on my mine, but the gentle sweetness didn’t satisfy the craving. He started unbuttoning my jeans as he walked backwards, pushing them down my hips as he sat down on the edge of the bed. My heart started to beat a little harder as the moment drew closer. The need got stronger when he pulled me down across his knee and I felt his hand on my panties. He stripped them off of my ass with a quick tug and then I felt his calloused hand on my bare skin.
“So what made you want to try this again?” He pushed a hand between my thighs and rubbed against my clit.
“I’ve been naughty.” I moaned from his touch. “I need to be punished.”
“What did you do exactly?” He pulled his hand away from my clit and rubbed the surface of my ass again. “Why do you think you need to be punished?”
How do I even explain it to him? How do I tell him that I’m so broken that I can’t handle being normal—can’t exist without embracing some form of pain?
“I’ve just...” I looked over my shoulder at him and my words trailed off for a moment. “I need you to spank me.”
“Then I guess we should get started.” He lifted his hand.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!