“DID YOU GET SOME REST?” My mother looked up from her newspaper as I walked into the kitchen.
“No.” I poured a cup of coffee and started guzzling it, not even caring that it burned the taste buds off my tongue.
“I’m sorry.” She put down her newspaper. “You’ve never been in love before, have you?”
“I don’t want to have this conversation.” I poured a second cup of coffee and picked up a piece of toast that my mother had prepared.
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t supposed to be a negative statement. You never seemed to get emotionally attached to any of the girls you dated. Honestly, I wasn’t sure you would ever settle down.” She sighed deeply and shook her head.
“Now that I’ve seen what it gets me, that option is permanently closed.” I chewed on my toast and washed it down with coffee.
“I know your father and I didn’t give you the best example of marriage or love growing up. Your father is a challenging man and you definitely take after him. You have to know that we love each other very much.” The edge of her mouth turned to a half-smile.
“He treats you like shit.” I scoffed at what she said.
“That’s just how he shows affection. I know it doesn’t make sense, but people can still be in love without it being sweet or romantic like you see on television.” She stood and walked over to me. “Don’t totally give up on love, Cody. This is going to hurt for a while, but that doesn’t mean you should completely swear it off.”
“Yeah, maybe.” I sipped my coffee.
I ended the conversation because I didn’t want to discuss it anymore. What I was feeling was my burden to carry alone. There was a reason I never got attached to women and it wasn’t some attempt to escape emotions. What my mother didn’t know was that my biggest flaw was getting attached too quickly. I did want to find someone, and I wanted a family, despite the awful example I had. I was afraid of exactly what I did—moving too quick and causing them to flee. I allowed myself to believe that things would be different with Johanna. She wasn’t like the women I dated when I was younger, leaving a trail of mistakes in the wake of figuring myself out.
“HEY, GET THE FUCK OUT of here or I’m calling the police!” The superintendent at Johanna’s apartment building looked terrified when I walked into his office.
“Relax, I’m not here to cause anymore damage. I’m here to apologize and pay for the door I smashed.” I held up my hands to show that I was approaching him with neutrality.
“Okay.” He eyed me suspiciously, but he didn’t reach for the phone. “I’ve got the bill right here.”
“This seems to be fair.” I looked at the bill and pulled out my wallet.
“It’s a shame she’s gone, but at least she paid out her lease.” He shrugged as I handed him money.
“She did?” I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
“Yeah, her father called me yesterday. He said he would be sending a moving company to get her stuff and paid the rest of her lease with his credit card.” He shrugged again. “Most people just disappear in the middle of the night and I never hear from them again.”
“So, have they already cleared out her apartment?” I tilted my head as I spoke.
“No, not yet.” He shook his head back and forth.
“I know you don’t owe me anything, but I did leave a few things in her apartment. I was a bit out of control the last time I was here and I didn’t get them. Would you mind if I grabbed them before the moving company comes?” It was a long shot, but I really did need to see the inside of her apartment one last time—if nothing else, it would help me find closure.
“You’ll probably just smash the door down if I say no. I guess I shouldn’t push my luck and expect you to be generous enough to pay for it again.” He sighed and stood. “Yeah, follow me.”
There wasn’t anything I cared about in her apartment. I just really wanted to have one last look. I grabbed the toothbrush I had used, just so it would look like I had a reason for being there, and started walking around. The schoolgirl outfit was still draped over the edge of the bed. Sex had come to a halt after her father saw her on stage. I was looking forward to rekindling that passion the very moment I got her text message. There was no hint that anything was wrong. If she had laid the outfit on the bed, it appeared that she was looking forward to our evening as well. That would have been after my abrupt proposal.
None of this makes any fucking sense.
I sat down on the edge of the bed and just stared at the floor for several minutes. I had beaten myself up so much that I didn’t have any punches to throw at my damaged soul. I heard a knock at the door and knew it was time to go. The building superintendent wouldn’t be patient for long. I picked up my toothbrush and before I left, I grabbed her bottle of perfume. I sniffed it once and the memories were enough to make me smile despite my despair. I stuffed it into my pocket and left her apartment for the last time.
Goodbye, Johanna. Whatever life you wanted, I’m glad we had our time together. You were definitely my favorite sin.
Chapter 11: Johanna
The house I grew up in had become my prison. The bedroom that had previously only been filled with good memories was my jail cell. The door was bolted shut and bars had been put on my window. I never imagined that my parents would l
iterally keep me as a prisoner. Religion had infected my family. It infected the entire town of Dahlonega and the source of the virus was Reverend Burke. I didn’t see it growing up in a bubble, but once I saw the world outside of Dahlonega, I realized exactly how backwards it truly was.
“Johanna?” My mother’s voice called out from the other side of the door. “I have your dinner.”