Leah shook her head. "Nope."
Jeff still looked away while she got Emily situated, and Leah still used the scarf as a makeshift cover, just to keep him from potentially getting too put off, but when she was all settled on the couch, he sat down next to her, and didn't look weirded out at all.
"This is amazing," he said, gesturing to Emily.
"I know," Leah said, even though she thought he might mean something else. "She's being really good for being up so far past her bedtime."
Jeff laughed. "No, I meant...nursing. I really admire women for being able to do so much with their bodies. Just the possibility of taking the tiniest bit of genetic material and making a whole human being out of it, and then nourishing that human being...it blows me away."
Leah smiled, surprised and touched. "Wow. I've never heard a man say that before."
"Really? It's something I think any man would feel, especially if he's around a woman who has a baby. I mean, we can't do anything like that."
"Huh," Leah said. "I've never thought of it quite like that. I mean, it was such a blessing to be pregnant with Emily and give birth to her. It was an absolutely magical experience. I'm so happy that I have her, and that I can feed her like this and help her grow strong. But I guess I always thought men saw us as...weaker, or something. Because you can make a baby without having to do anything hard or gross or weird. And don't have any illusions about it—pregnancy is definitely hard, gross, and weird."
Jeff laughed again, but softer. "I did know that. But that just makes you stronger. Men have no idea how much women have to endure. I can't even imagine how hard—"
"—and gross, and weird—"
"—and gross, and weird, pregnancy and childbirth is. You astonish me, Leah. You really, really do."
Leah looked down at Emily's shape under the scarf, feeling her sucking softly at her breast, seeing her little kicking feet. "She's what astonishes me," she said softly. "All of that, that brought her here. And it doesn't matter what parts were magical and a blessing, versus what parts were hard, gross, and weird. The important part is her."
Jeff reached out a finger and brushed it against one of Emily's little sleeper-clad feet. "I think you're both important," he said.
That was the moment that Emily decided she was done. Leah got herself back together without looking at Jeff; fortunately, she was a pro at doing up her bra and shirt by now. Emily was blinking sleepily at her.
"We don't have any books to read to you tonight, honey," Leah told her softly. "But I think you're so tired it's not going to matter, right?"
Emily's eyes were drifting closed.
"Right." Leah kissed her forehead, hesitated, and then turned to Jeff. "Do you want to give her a kiss goodnight?"
Jeff's face softened. "I would love to." He put a warm hand on Leah's shoulder, leaned in, and brushed a soft kiss to Emily's head. His hair tickled Leah's cheek; he smelled like snow and pine and smoke when she breathed him in.
He sat back, and Leah stood carefully up to go over to the Pack-n-Play and lay a semiconscious Emily down into it. As she watched, the baby's eyes closed and stayed closed.
Looking over at Jeff, Leah jerked her head toward the bedroom.
They tiptoed over to the room and closed the door behind them. Leah blew out a sigh of relief. "Wow," she said. "That was an all-star performance. Sometimes when she's up past her bedtime like this, it just means she's never going to sleep ever, and I'm up all night with her."
"By yourself,” Jeff said.
Leah nodded. “No one else to do it.”
“Even if you’re working the next day.”
“No one else to do it,” she repeated. “And I never quite managed to get back to work full-time. There was just no way to make the childcare work out. So it wasn’t like I’d have an eight-hour day on my feet after a night like that.”
“But any time you weren’t at work, you’d still be taking care of Emily full-time,” Jeff countered.
Leah sighed. “Yes. Yes, it was hard. Is that what you want to hear? It was hard, it was awful sometimes, I was exhausted and frustrated and sad. I cried and the only other person there was crying harder than I was, and I had to stop crying so I could go help her. That was what it was like. Okay?”
She’d started that little rant feeling angry, although she wasn’t exactly sure why. By the end of it, though, she was just tired.
“No,” Jeff said. “It’s not okay. That’s what I’m trying to say to you. It is not okay that you had to do all of that. No one should have to deal with that much all by themselves. And I’m not sure you understand that.”
Leah rubbed her eyes. “I can’t think about it like that, Jeff. I just can’t.”