"You've had finals before," she pointed out. "It's never gotten to you like this." I wanted to tell her to drop it, just shut up because this wasn't the way that I wanted to tell her. We had been together for years, why the fuck had I ever thought I could try to hide something like this from her and think she wouldn't catch on? I was cracking and she could tell. I couldn't hide it from her anymore. I couldn't keep lying. The jig was up anyway but I fucking owed it to her at this point. It had to stop.
"I know. You're right," I admitted.
"I was just worried," she said. Good going, I thought, that was exactly what you never wanted her to have to do.
"Don't be. Listen. How about you come to my apartment with me?"
"It'll be nice to spend some time together when we aren't worried about class," she agreed. I had done some pretty shitty stuff in my life, but I was already sure this was about to take the cake. We walked to the parking lot together, her doing most of the talking. It was hard to pay attention while I tried to remember where the hell I had left my warning order. She had her car today, so she just followed me.
I let her walk into my apartment ahead of me when we got there, almost a hundred percent sure I had left the order in my room. Maybe it was a better idea to bring it out and let he
r read it herself. That way we could talk about it and she'd know exactly why I had been so distant, why I didn't want to see her parents and why we weren't going to Montana this summer. Yeah, no. Not going to happen. I knew what I had to do.
She dropped her backpack and sat on the couch, lying out on her back. She was here so often she had clothes in my closet. The only reason we weren't living together was she had a roommate, a nursing student in our year, and they had moved into the apartment together as freshmen. She didn't want to back out of the lease and ditch her.
That and the fact that since I was enlisted in the US Armed Forces, I could get a warning order to deploy basically whenever they felt like they needed me, and I didn't want a situation where that happened and she would be trapped in a lease alone… Basically what would be happening now if we did live together.
"Thank God that's finally over," she said.
It's now or never, I thought. You have to do it and you have to do it now. You bitch out and she has to hear it from Tiffany or your dad, and that would only make it worse. Just fucking do it now and you can leave knowing that you did the right thing by her.
"We need to talk, Ron," I said.
"What is it?" she asked, sitting up on the couch. Her eyes were round, and she looked so innocent and unassuming. It was almost enough for me to back out and tell her it was nothing. That I just wanted to tell her that I loved her, or hell, wanted to tell her the truth even. Just tell her I was leaving in three days and it was driving me crazy thinking I'd be leaving her behind. She was worried about what would happen to me when I was deployed? I was worried too.
But I had made the decision to enlist myself. I had been eighteen when I did it – we hadn't even met yet. I had chosen it knowing I would have to deal with the consequences. She hadn't. She didn't have to deal with not knowing what was happening to me while I was gone, whether I'd ever come back, whether I'd be the same person she knew when I did. I couldn't make her wait, and I couldn't make her worry. That wasn't my call, and she didn't deserve it.
"Look, I didn't want to do this before finals; it wouldn't have been fair," I started.
"Didn't want to do what?"
"This, Veronica," I said. I never called her by her full name, and I could see the effect it had on her. She stopped looking confused and started looking scared.
"What?"
"The two of us. It's not working anymore. I want to break up." I hated how steady my voice sounded lying to her like that. That was what it was, another fucking lie. I loved the shit out of this girl, but I had to make her believe that I didn't. I had to push her away, and I had to do whatever I had to in order to make her see that we couldn't work anymore.
"Break up? What are you talking about, Roman? Why?"
"You wanted to know why I've been distant lately." She looked hurt.
"Did I do something?" she asked. No, I thought. You're perfect, but that's why I have to let you go.
"It's been almost three years. We're different people now, Veronica."
"Where is this coming from?" she asked. "I thought we were on the same page. When did you start feeling like this?"
"That doesn't make a difference. I can't be with you anymore."
"You asked me to come here with you just so you could tell me this?"
"I thought you deserved more than a text," I snapped. She stood suddenly. Good, leave, I thought. Don't drag it out anymore.
"You thought I deserved more than a text? How fucking kind of you, Roman. You still haven't told me anything. This is totally out of left field – where is this coming from?" she stopped herself, looking at me. "Is there someone else?"
"At least I'm telling you before you found out yourself," I said spitefully. Her face drained. She blinked a few times, her eyes filling with tears. Everything in my body was telling me to go to her, hug her and make it stop. I was hurting her, but I had to do it. What she would feel waiting for me to come back from deployment would be much worse. It was for her own good.
"No," she said, shaking her head. "You're lying to me."