When leaving, the sophisticated friends invited us both on to a party, at which, thinking, ‘Nooooo!’ I said, ‘Yes! That would be great!’
I lost him immediately at the scary party, hid in the toilet.
DO NOT GET DRUNK OR OTHERWISE INTOXICATED
When I found him, he was smoking pot. I have not smoked pot for fifteen years and then it was two puffs, which made me so paranoid that I thought people were ignoring me when they were actually talking to me. Nevertheless gave in to Leatherjacketman’s friends’ peer pressure and had two drags on the joint. Immediately became completely stoned and paranoid.
Perhaps noticing this, he whispered, ‘Shall we go in here?’ gesturing at a closed door. Nodded mutely.
We were in a spare bedroom, covered in coats. He closed the door, pushed me against it, kissing my neck, sliding his hand up my skirt, murmuring, ‘Did you say your babysitter was staying over?’
Nodded mutely.
DO NOT TRY TO HAVE SEX BEFORE YOU’RE READY
Not only was I stoned, not only was I paranoid, but I hadn’t had sex for four and a half years and I was absolutely terrified. What if he thought I was revolting without my clothes on? What if I slept with him and he didn’t ring me again? What if I couldn’t remember how to do it?
‘Are you OK?’
DO NOT KEEP DISAPPEARING INTO THE TOILET FOR AGES OR HE WILL THINK YOU HAVE A DRUG OR DIGESTIVE PROBLEM
Nodded mutely, then managed, ‘I’ll just go to the loo.’
He looked at me strangely and sat back down on the bed.
When I reappeared he was still sitting on the bed. He got up and shut the door again and started kissing my neck again while sliding his hand back up my dress.
‘Shall we go to my place?’ he said.
I nodded mutely, just managing to get out, ‘But . . .’
DO NOT CONFUSE HIM
‘Look, if you don’t want to do this . . .’
‘No, no, I do, I do. But . . .’
YOU DECIDE WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE SEX, NOT HIM. DECIDE AND BE CLEAR ABOUT IT
‘You did say you had a babysitter overnight.’
DON’T CREATE PRESSURE
‘It’s just I haven’t slept with anyone for four and a half years.’
‘FOUR AND A HALF YEARS?? Jesus. No pressure.’
‘I know. It’s just, I’ve finally met someone I like.’
‘What??’
DON’T EXPRESS YOUR VULNERABILITIES. WAIT TILL THEY KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND
‘I mean, I’ve met you but I hardly know you, and what if you don’t like it when I’ve got no clothes on? And maybe I won’t be able to remember what to do, and I’m a widow, and I might think I’m being unfaithful and start crying and then have to wait for the phone to ring and you might not call!’
‘What about me? I’ve met someone I like too.’
ALWAYS BE CLASSY, NEVER BE CRAZY