"Why?"
"I don't know. Maybe because he's still broken. It was easier to relate to him."
"I'm not broken," she said. It was a statement, not a question.
"No, you're not broken."
"That's not my fault."
"I know."
"But you still blame me?" she said sarcastically.
"I was jealous."
She turned to me. "You, jealous? You've never been jealous a day in your life. It was always all of us who envied you."
I shook my head. "I didn't know that. I assumed all of you thought I was crazy for weaving my life so completely around Dan's."
She smiled. "We did, but that didn't mean we weren't envious how devoted you two were to each other."
Neither of us spoke for a few minutes after that. The bugs in the trees around us filled the silence for us, buzzing steadily. During the day the sun and heat drove them into hiding, but at night they came out in droves.
"He cheated on me with Cindy junior year. Did you know?" I asked, breaking the silence.
If she was shocked, her face didn't show it. "I didn't, but I guess I'm not surprised," she said with brutal honesty.
"You're not?" I asked.
She shook her head. "Not at all. All the guys were trying to prove something junior year. That's why I finally caved and slept with Zach. I knew he was chomping at the bit to turn in his boy card. You'd made it clear that you wanted to wait, and I'm sure Dan was feeling the pressure of being a virgin when all his pals were now proud card-carrying members of the man club."
"Dan never told me any of that."
"He wouldn't, would he? Dan always acted like he was scared he was going to lose you or something. I was always jealous of how overprotective he was."
I nodded. She was right about that. Maybe that was what had endeared him to me. Dan acted like I was the most important person in his life. "Of course that didn't stop him from sleeping with Cindy. I wonder why she never said anything. It's not like her to keep something like that quiet."
Mac braced her foot against the wooden porch before lifting it so our swing would once again sway back and forth. "Maybe that's when she was dating Todd Mitchell. She probably was afraid of screwing that up. We all know how proud of herself she was for snagging him."
"I guess I'll never know." I couldn't ask Dan, and the thought of looking Cindy up just to ask her about her past relationship with my boyfriend made me want to hurl.
"Why did you cut me off, Kat?" Mac asked, done beating around the bush. Her voice was laced with pain. I'd hurt her. I made so many mistakes during the last two years I wasn't even sure it was possible to atone for all of them.
I waited a moment to answer her, trying to form the words to make her understand the decisions that had led us to this moment. Taking a deep breath, I plunged in. "Did you know I was the only one from our group at the funeral?" I asked, running my hand along the warped wood of the swing. "Alive anyways. Do you know how hard that was? I was sandwiched between all our parents grieving the loss of our friends. I wanted to die that day." Mac sucked in a gasp of air next to me, but I kept going. I'd come this far. It was time to get it all out on the table. "More than I'd ever wanted anything in my entire life. Death would have been easier. I was furious that you and Zach were in the hospital missing the single worst day of our lives. It was beyond your control. I know that, but at the time I was still angry that I was the only one who showed up to shoulder the burden of it all. Our three best friends were laid out in wooden boxes and you guys had left me alone. I hated you for it." My voice shook and cracked, but I continued, not even aware Mac had reached for my hand. "My anger helped. Don't you see? It helped me survive. I was dying that day, Mac. I could feel it in my chest. My heart was being crushed in on all sides. I don't think our hearts were built to handle so much pain in a single instant like that. The anger helped me survive. I'm not proud of myself. Matter of fact, most days I hate myself. I know that doesn't help."
Tears ran down Mac's cheeks unchecked as she gripped my hand in hers. "I wanted to go to the funeral so bad. I begged my doctors, but they wouldn't release me. I'm so sorry you were alone. Everything was such a mess. It's hard to believe that one split moment in our lives could wreak such havoc." Her voice was saturated in sadness, and I was sorry I'd dumped all this on her.
"I didn't tell you this to make you sad or to feel like you had to apologize. All of that is on me. I could have been tougher. I could have stayed or at least answered your letters, but it was all so hard. Their ghosts haunted me everywhere I went. I couldn't shake the images of the accident from my head."
"Me either," she whispered, swiping her free hand over her cheek to dry her tears. "I still have nightmares."
"You do?" I'd assumed she moved on. "But you're with the EMT from that night. Isn't he a glaring reminder of everything?"
She smiled at me sadly. "It was at first. I almost blew it with him because of my hang-ups. I finally realized it was okay to let the past go. It didn't mean I was forgetting about Tracey, Jessica, or Dan, but it meant I was able to let some of the pain go. Bentley helped. He understood how hard it was, and he didn't care about this," she said, lifting her bad leg. "I still have my bad days, but the good ones outweigh them ten to one now."
"I'm not sure I'll ever get there."
"You will," she said, giving my hand a squeeze. "There will be