“What?” he asks distractedly, his arms tight around me, his lips anxious to touch me again.
I lock my eyes on his. “Are you sleeping with Victoria?”
He blanches for a moment and looks away from me, and I already know the answer.
“Yes,” he replies, and then looks back at me. “But I don’t want her. I want you.”
Anger burns hot in me and I plant my other hand on his chest and shove him away from me hard.
“Oh, come on,” he says, his denied affection turning him sour. “Is it so different than what you’re doing with Wills and Blair?”
I back a step away, utterly shocked. “Fuck you, Astor. You know it is.”
He rakes his hand through his hair again, his eyes growing wild. “I know, I just, it isn’t so simple for me.”
“Simple or not, you’re not free to be with me.” I close my eyes, knowing full well how close I was to getting at least a little part of my Astor back. “If your relationship with Victoria was really a sham, that would be one thing. But you’re together, fully together, and I’ll not be made a cheat.”
Astor shakes his head miserably. “Then what am I supposed to do?”
“That’s entirely up to you.” I shake my head at him and cross my arms over my chest. I finally muster up the strength to look at him again. “I won’t be with you until you break up with her.”
Astor turns from me as if there’s physical pain inside him. “I can’t break up with her. This was set before I was even born. We live in a world where not all of us get to make this choice for ourselves, and while Wills and Blair might be free to love who they please—I’m not.”
“Hold on,” I stop him. “This whole thing, it’s been arranged?”
He nods. “Don’t you see now?” His face grows almost hopeful, like somehow by understanding this, I’m going to change my mind.
“I do,” I say, but I’ve gone quiet. That would explain a lot—everything from Astor’s inability to leave her, to the possessive nature Victoria’s shown towards him ever since I arrived at Hawthorne last year. It’s a wonder she never mentioned it before, but I imagine it wouldn’t look good if the man she was pining for wouldn’t give her the time of day even though they’re technically, and unofficially, engaged to be married one day.
“And?” Astor asks, reaching for me again.
I stalk to the door and yank it open. “Get out, Astor. I see now that this is hopeless.”
At the end of the day, Astor’s sense of duty will always win out. I haven’t known him for long, but I know that.
And if I’m right … then Astor Hawthorne will never be mine.
Chapter 19
On Sunday morning we thank Darla and Heath for the best weekend, and we all get back into the SUV and are driven back to school by the same driver who brought us out. It’s strange going back after such an intensely close and intimate long weekend. After Astor left that night, Blair snuck in to sleep beside me—and soon after, Wills followed.
The next two days were much of the same—but there was something different between Astor and I, and I think he feels it too. He’s still ignoring me, somewhat, but that hatred in his eyes has gone missing. Instead, it’s been replaced by something that isn’t quite sadness, but it’s close.
I’m looking forward to getting some distance from Victoria at long last. I’d hoped part of her horrible attitude was attributed to maintaining a certain image at school, but no. She’s just a terrible person through and through.
We headed back early to make our last swim meet before Christmas. Hawthorne is lucky, in a way, that most of the meets happen here on campus. Since we have the nicest facilities for miles around, we rarely have to all pile into the bus and head out to other schools.
I’m not exactly ready for this one, what with all the gorging I did over the holiday, but Wills has somehow sprung right back to fighting-fit without ever batting an eyelash. I have a suspicion that he snuck out of bed every night to go work out, and then climbed back in without either Blair or I noticing.
Our friends are in the stands cheering us on while we prepare for our prospective races. Wills, of course, elicits a thunder of applause when he sets another state record in the freestyle competition, while I’m just surprised to take fourth in my own. There’s a general, nearly overwhelming, air of camaraderie on the way back to the dining hall for dinner.
We enjoy our meal together, the four of us; me, Dana, Blair, and Wills all laughing and talking and having a great time. There was a time when I didn’t think I’d ever get to see these boys so carefree and
happy beside me again, and I’m so fully drunk on it that I don’t even see when Astor and Victoria come in after us.
“You did well,” Astor’s voice says, directly behind my ear. I jump and whirl back to look at him, and spot Victoria standing several yards away, arms folded, glaring in our direction.
I just nod and he walks away as if that’s just a normal thing to do. I’m not the only one who notices. Dana is practically ready to jump me for answers the moment I kiss Blair and Wills goodbye at the door to our room that night.