A chill races up my spine as I think back to the little moments over this trip, and it’s just the first day. It’s evident that he and Victoria aren’t together for the love of it. I see it too in the way he looks at me, and even more—the way he won’t.
I splash some water on my face to try to clear my mind of him. Why can’t I just be happy with the other two?
I shouldn’t have to be with all three of them to be happy, but maybe there’s some truth to what Blair’s father said. The holy trinity comes as a package deal—to fully have one, you have to have them all.
When I look back up in the mirror, my face isn’t the only one looking back. I let out a little squeak and whirl around to see the very person I’m thinking of.
“Fuck, Astor!” I snap. “You scared the shit out of me.”
He looks me over in my nightgown and I can see that the sight affects him. He makes himself look away, but I’ve already taken measure of the tremendous emotion he’s holding in.
“You’re shivering,” he says, moving over to switch on the fireplace.
I frown and wrap one hand across my chest. I’m deeply aware of how sheer this nightgown is.
“I’m shaking because you scared me, not because I’m cold,” I say.
He turns back and comes straight for me, and I see bitterness in his eyes. He’s tormented.
“What did you do to them?”
We’ve moved back into the bedroom, and I glance at the door back into the hall. “You mean Blair and Wills?”
“Who else would I be talking about?” he says, his voice teetering on the edge of a snarl.
“Damned if I know, otherwise I’d have you too,” I tell him, surprised by my own cheek. He turns away from me and rakes his hand through his hair in frustration. “As it is, that’s really none of your business.”
He takes a deep breath, then lets it out slowly and turns to me again.
“Do you have any idea how difficult it is to see you with them both, when all the while I’m stuck with Victoria?” His eyes are burning, and his voice is tight with tension.
“Don’t forget,” I say. “You chose her. You did. So, you don’t get to have an opinion about what I’m doing or who I’m doing it with,” I shoot back at him.
“It’s not fair!” he snaps angrily. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.”
He begins to pace the floor in front of me.
“Well you’re the one who made it this way.” I raise my voice to him. “If you don’t like it, too bad, it’s your own damn fault. I don’t even know what you want, and to be honest, I don’t think you know either.”
He stops pacing and glares, pointing his finger at me. “I know exactly what I want.”
“Yeah?” I ask defiantly. “And what is that?”
Without a word he comes right to me and closes his hands tightly on my bare shoulders, pulling me to him. He crushes his mouth to mine, kissing me hard. Much like our first kiss stolen on the quad, it ignites in me a flurry of conflicting emotions. Unlike last time, however, I do not draw immediately away.
He parts my lips as his arms go around me, and I am flooded by the taste and feel of him as his fingers close tightly on my skin. It’s as if he wants to possess every part of me and draw me all the way into himself.
Everything in me catches on fire, and I want so much more from him than his kiss; I am longing for all of him, but there’s a barrier in the way that I will not ignore. When his mouth leaves mine and he begins to kiss my neck, speaking my name against my skin like a prayer, I force myself to lean away.
He’s almost in a fog of desire; breathless and desperate as I reach up to hold his chin in my hand. Something in him is broken, but he isn’t willing to do what he needs to fix it.
“I can’t stay away from you,” he tells me quietly, staring at me. “I don’t care if I have to share you. I can’t take it. I have to have you.”
His hands dig into my shoulders again. “I need you.”
When he tries to kiss me this time, I have to make him stop. As much as my body is begging me to fall into him, I need answers first.
I hold my hand flat against his chest, keeping him at bay. “Astor, you have to tell me the truth.”