It was too much, and I left the room without looking back.
I returned to my chambers as quickly as I could, where Mott was anxiously waiting for news. His eyes went to the items in my hand. I attempted to cover the title of the top book but it was too late. “Pirate books?” he said. “What are those for?”
“No, Mott.”
“I remember you telling Conner that you’re not a great reader, unless the subject interests you.”
I pushed past him. “We leave at dawn. Tobias too. Make sure he knows.”
“Where —” Mott stopped when I turned to him, then said, “Jaron, are you ill? You don’t look good.”
I slowly shook my head as I backed into my room. “No questions. Just be ready by morning.”
Morning brought a cool drizzle that made everything look gray and dreary, as if even the sun was ashamed of this plan. Gregor had assembled a large number of vigils and several servants to accompany me away. The expressions on their faces ranged from pity at my leaving in such a cowardly way to poorly disguised contempt at my incompetence. Other than two vigils who would act as my drivers, I couldn’t dismiss them fast enough.
Gregor spat out a protest, but I said, “How will I hide with half the kingdom as my escort? Mott is all I need, and Tobias can help with things until he becomes too annoying.” I looked around. “Amarinda isn’t here?”
“I believe the princess was awake quite late helping Imogen prepare to leave.”
I wondered how Gregor could know this about Amarinda, while I did not. No doubt he was courting her endorsement of him as steward. Or maybe he was courting her for other reasons too. I really didn’t know.
Kerwyn pulled me aside as the last of the supplies were being loaded. “Please, Jaron, don’t go.”
Despite his pleas, I could only shake my head. “There’s no other choice now.”
“I thought a little sleep would change your mind.”
Placing my hand on Kerwyn’s shoulder, I said, “I had the same concern, so I kept myself awake.”
Kerwyn’s eyes moistened. “I’ve always loved you, Jaron, you know that. When you were lost four years ago, I lost a part of myself. And now we’ve had you back for only a few short weeks. You must promise to return.”
My attempt at a smile failed. “I promise this, that if I don’t return it’s because I wasn’t strong enough to be king. In which case, Carthya should have a steward.”
That did nothing to comfort him, and left me feeling hollow too, for that matter. He bowed low and said he would watch every day for news from me. I wished he wouldn’t have said that. I wouldn’t be sending any news, good or bad.
After I got into the carriage with Mott and Tobias, I directed the driver to take us to Farthenwood.
“Farthenwood?” Mott asked in surprise. “But Gregor had another place in mind.”
“Gregor doesn’t command me,” I snapped.
With a quick glance at Mott, Tobias said, “We have to talk.”
“Go ahead,” I said, slouching into my seat. “But do it quietly so I can sleep.”
“Talk with you,” Tobias clarified. But my eyes were already closed.
Once they thought I was asleep, I heard Tobias whisper to Mott, “He looks terrible.”
“I asked his door vigil this morning. They’re sure he was awake all night, and he might have snuck out of his room for who knows how long.”
I had. It had taken me all night to work through the books from the library. My hope was that Amarinda would send for me so that we could talk, but she never did. Once I gave up on her, I’d found Kerwyn and shared with him the details of my leaving, a plan that had been received with even less enthusiasm than I’d expected.
“You’re walking into the jaws of the beast that would devour you!” he had cried.
“I’m being devoured now!” was my response. “Kerwyn, this is the only chance I have. The only chance any of us has.”
Eventually, Kerwyn had given me his reluctant blessing. It wasn’t much to bring with me on this trip, but it was all I had.