“No, not about the lies, but for what I said in London. And what I thought . . .” Tears stung her throat at her own bitter resentment. He’d apologized, he’d revealed to her his shame, his regret, and she’d turned from him just as she’d turned from him ten years ago.
But did she have the courage to turn back now? Could she offer him mercy, accept that it was natural for a grieving man to turn to visceral pleasure for comfort? And how could she please a man who’d had so many women?
That morning, in the cold hours before dawn, Kate had thought of the glorious implosion of her first climax with Aidan, right there in her bed. Each one after had been just as intense, just as surreally pleasurable. And in the aftermath her body and mind had been unresponsive, so lax, so drained that she’d always fallen immediately asleep. As had Aidan. She could imagine that blankness as comfort. She could imagine how he’d crave that.
“That woman,” she whispered. “She said you were insatiable. That you never stopped. But you weren’t insatiable with me, were you?”
Red burned into his cheeks, not of embarrassment it seemed, but helplessness. His hands rose from his sides as if he were searching for some diplomatic way to phrase his words.
“It’s all right, Aidan. You don’t have to lie.”
“I don’t know how to explain it, Kate. It can’t make sense to you. . . .”
She nodded. “I’ve been humiliated, thinking that I could never satisfy a man who’d known so many women—”
“For God’s sake, never think that. There’s nothing true about it.”
But Kate realized that she didn’t need him to say the words to her. She understood. She did. “Insatiable,” she said again, and Aidan flinched from the word. “That doesn’t mean satisfied, does it?”
“Pardon?” he murmured.
“It means unsatisfied. Starving. Desperate. And you weren’t that with me . . . were you?”
His brow wrinkled for a moment, a spasm of confusion passing over his face, but then his eyes cleared and he looked at her. He truly looked at her for the first time that day, though pain shone clearly in that gaze. “No,” he said. “I wasn’t. Not with you.”
He hadn’t been lying to her. He had been alone . . . lonely, lost. He hadn’t found comfort with those women. Not at all.
At that moment, even knowing he might not forgive her, Kate felt brave. Felt she could throw her soul into the void and trust that she would be fine. She nodded.
“I hope that you will forgive me some day. For the things I said to you. And the things I never said. And for letting them take me away from you before. I won’t go away again.” She managed a smile past her tears. “Perhaps not even if you want me to.”
He moved toward her, and he looked so large, suddenly. So strong and safe. He’d always just been Aidan before, but now she saw him with new eyes. He was the Aidan she’d always known, but he was more than that too. Strong and steady and a man she’d love even if she’d never known him before.
“Katie,” he murmured, reaching to touch her cheek.
She could not tell what was in his eyes. If he was saying good-bye or something much better. But she would say the same thing to him regardless. “I love you so much,” Kate whispered. “More than you can ever know. You are such a good man.”
“Don’t say that. Please.”
“You are good. But not perfect. If you were perfect, I’d never have even met you. You would’ve kept your hands to yourself, just as you should have.”
He pulled her into his arms, his laugh sounding suspiciously rough. Kate just closed her eyes and breathed him in, thankful for every second that she could touch him. It might have to last her for years.
He drew a deep breath, the sound of it a comforting rumble in her head. “I haven’t been good for a long time. I couldn’t imagine life without you, Katie. I never could. That’s why I was so lost. I just . . . I couldn’t make myself want anything more than you.”
That was when she began to cry, because she knew he would forgive her, and he’d love her, and they would have this chance. Finally. A real chance to love each other on their own terms. She was on solid ground again. Every stone back in place.
“I love you,” he breathed against the top of her head. “I’m not perfect, but I’m yours, if you’ll have me. I’ve never been anyone else’s.”
Chapter 32
“He is very tall, don’t you think? Elegant even?”
Kate smiled down at Lucy as she fastened a simple pendant around her neck. “Mr. Penrose? Yes, he is quite elegant.”
Lucy sighed and swung her feet against the legs of her stool. “He may be too cautious for me. He hasn’t even tried to steal a kiss!”
“He respects you. Perhaps he has something more permanent in mind.”