Is it my past he’s apologizing for? What happened with Cliff? Or is it the back and forth that’s been going on between us since I got here? All the confusion and frustration that’s been left in its wake?
“Okay,” I say quietly.
I’m not sure what else to say. I want more. I want to know what the hell he means, and why he’s saying all of this now. But I don’t know how to ask for it.
He goes silent again, just long enough for me to start to worry.
“When we met, I was fucked up,” he finally says. “I was wrecked.”
Me too.
An ache burns through my chest as I remember that day. Certain details of the Medical Examiner’s office have faded from my memories. But the strange antiseptic smell of the place? The way Jared’s waxen skin seemed to sag on his bones? Those are things I’ll never forget, no matter how fucked up my brain is.
“What wrecked you?” I ask, because I’m not quite ready to volunteer what had me in such a fucked up state that day.
“That day…” He swallows, then lets out a breath. “It was my sister’s funeral.”
His hold on me tightens, and he drags me closer to him until I’m nearly draped over his body again. His nose brushes my hair as he inhales, and I get the strange feeling I’m like a balm to him. That having me close is keeping his demons at bay.
He had a sister?
He’s never mentioned her, which isn’t all that surprising considering how haunted he sounds as he talks about her now. But no one else mentioned her. Ever. Not Declan or Elias or any of the other students at Hawthorne.
Why not?
“I’m sorry,” I murmur, resting my hands on his chest.
He nods, his chest rising and falling with a sigh. “We were twins. She was ten minutes younger than me. Beth. Bethany, after my grandmother.”
“How did she die?”
I’m almost afraid to ask the question, worried that at any moment he’ll realize what he’s said and close back up like he always does, shielding himself with a hard, cold exterior.
But maybe things really are different, because instead of ignoring me, he reaches up to run a hand through my tangled hair as he answers.
“It was a stroke.” He lets out a humorless chuckle. “A stroke. She was barely nineteen, but apparently that shit can happen even to young people. No one expected it—no one saw it coming. I talked to her a day before it happened, and she was fine. We’d just finished our first year at Hawthorne, and she was excited about the summer. And then…”
His body shudders slightly beneath mine, and I find myself nestling deeper into his hold, as if I could block out the pain I can feel seeping into him.
“It was bad,” he murmurs. “Bad enough that her brain stopped functioning, and it all went downhill from there. It all happened so fucking fast. Maybe that’s a blessing, but… fuck, I wasn’t ready.”
He shifts beneath me, sliding his fingers through my hair and tugging my head back a little so he can meet my eyes.
“The scholarship fund that let you come to school here? My parents started it in her honor. They wanted to do something to memorialize her.” His jaw clenches. “It’s why there were two scholarship kids instead of one this year. One of those scholarships is sponsored by my family. Your dorm? That was Beth’s.”
My stomach churns.
Jesus. How could nobody tell me I basically took a dead girl’s place?
I remember the name of the scholarship from when Ms. Neilson gave me the whole spiel about it, but there was nothing in the title that suggested it existed because of Gray’s sister.
“I… like I said, I was fucked up about it.” Gray shakes his head. “I wouldn’t let anyone talk about her, not even Declan or Elias. I couldn’t stand to hear her name, to think about what I’d lost. To be reminded all over again that she was never coming back.”
Tension is building in his body again, and my eyes water a little as his grip on my hair tightens. I don’t pull out of his grasp though. The small bite of pain grounds me, and I couldn’t look away from his shadowed eyes even if I tried.
“That day at the bar? What happened between us? Fuck, Sparrow, it was the only thing that kept me from walking into traffic. It was everything I needed. But then when you showed back up here…” He grimaces. “I didn’t expect it.”
“You didn’t know who I was? That I’d gotten the scholarship, I mean?”