The words come out before I can think about them, and my stomach clenches into a knot as a sharp stab of pain pierces my chest. I swallow, trying to shove down the swell of emotions as I glance up at the menu.
I don’t want to think about my dad. Not here in line for shawarma with Levi watching me.
I don’t know if he sees something in my face or if it’s just a natural subject change, but Levi steps closer to me and says in a lowered voice, “Hey, Rory told me about your mom.”
“Oh.” I blink, glancing over at him. “He did?”
“Yeah. I’m really sorry.”
I shrug a shoulder as we step up to order, trying to keep the pain off my face. “It was a long time ago.”
We give our order to the woman behind the counter and step away to wait for it. I kind of hope Levi’s going to change the subject again, but no such luck.
“He made it sound like you were pretty close with her.” He chuckles wryly. “Honestly, I don’t know what it’s like to get along with your parents, but I know it’s not like that for everyone.”
“You don’t like your parents?” I ask.
He frowns lightly. “I don’t think about them a lot. Haven’t talked to them in fucking years. I was close to my brother. He was my family for the most part.”
“Your brother who…” I trail off, not sure what the polite way to ask if he’s talking about the one who died.
Levi nods, sparing me from floundering. “Yeah. The one who died. Logan. He was in a shootout, you know? With the Jackals, back when things were really fucked up between us. It felt like every other day someone was getting killed, either in a shootout or just turning up stabbed or something. It was a shitty time.” He sighs, rubbing at his forehead. “It feels like we’re creeping back toward that again, honestly.”
I can feel a pit of guilt in my stomach, knowing I’m hoping to play a part in the instability between them, but then I shrug it off. Things were getting tense between the Black Roses and the Jackals before I had anything to do with them. It’s not my fault.
“What was he like?” I ask him. “Logan? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“I don’t mind.” Levi smiles a little bit, his lips curling up on one side. His chocolate brown eyes warm as they go out of focus a little, as if he’s getting lost in his memories. “He was a great brother. Almost like a parent, sometimes. He always took care of me.”
We both glance up as our food order is called, and Levi continues speaking as we grab our stuff and settle at a little table.
“Even when he was tired, he would play with me when I was a little kid. Brought me little toy cars and blocks and shit. He always liked to make me smile. That’s what I remember most. The way he would come up with funny stories or jokes just to make me laugh. He was never too busy to help me, even if it was something stupid like beating a level in a video game or whatever. He’d find the time.”
I find myself smiling as he talks. “He sounds like a good brother.”
“He was,” Levi agrees. “I mean, he basically raised me. He was the one who was always there. When I got in trouble in school for fighting or not doing my homework, he was the one who showed up to pick me up and take me to get milkshakes so we could talk about it. He never raised his voice at me or asked what the fuck I was doing or anything like that. Just talked to me about the problem so we could get to the bottom of it.”
There’s something different about his voice as he talks about his brother. Levi’s always sort of cool-headed and laid-back, but there’s an almost… not quite reverence, but a deep love when he tells these stories. It’s admiration and affection, and it hits me that it’s the same way I probably sound when I talk about how my dad raised me basically all alone.
“I know it never goes away,” he continues. “Missing someone who’s gone. Even if you know they’re never coming back, you still think about them all the time and wish it could have been different.” His gaze catches mine. “Like you with your mom. I’m sure you wish you had more time with her.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat and nod, unable to summon any words to agree with him.
There’s pain in his voice, and it’s so easy to tell that his brother’s death fucked him up. Just like my dad’s death fucked me up. The pain of my loss is still so fucking fresh, and it’s been a while since Levi’s brother died, but it sounds just as raw. Just as life-changing.
I can relate to that so deeply, and I hold his gaze for a moment, for once not really hiding the pain I feel either. Let him think it’s because of my mom, and maybe it is, a little bit. Maybe it’s for all the people I’ve lost and will never get back.
Levi cracks a little smile and reaches for my hand, not holding it, but resting his over mine gently.
And it’s that gentleness that reminds me I can’t do this. I can’t open up to him. I can’t learn about his life and tell him about mine, or find common ground with him. I can’t care about him. Not if I want to have a chance at fulfilling my mission.
I try to slam the walls back up, closing Levi out and locking my emotions back up before this goes any further. I clear my throat and look away, trying to fall back on my anger instead.
“Thanks,” I mumble. “But all the same, Rory shouldn’t go around blabbing my
life story. It wasn’t his to tell.”
Levi rubs his thumb lightly over mine. “He probably knows that. He just told me because he was worried about you, you know? You didn’t seem like yourself for a while there. We care about you.”