“Maybe there’s a way for us to be together without making any compromises,” I said. I’d never run through options because there were too many moving parts, and I didn’t want to know it was hopeless. “I don’t think we need to play this out to the end and decide that it’s not going to work. If you did that, then on paper, most relationships would be doomed to fail.” I wasn’t sure which one of us I was trying to convince. “You and Dexter shouldn’t work, but you do.”
“But we’re not talking small issues. Are you saying you’re prepared to take on another woman’s child at twenty-three? You don’t think that’s a compromise too far?”
Hollie didn’t often shock me, but her question was like a punch to the gut. “Bethany’s not another woman’s child. She’s Gabriel’s daughter. Describing it as taking her on makes it sound like she’s a virus or something. She’s sweet and loving and I adore her.”
“I’m sorry.” She had the decency to look embarrassed by what she’d said. I was grateful that Hollie was always there to fight in my corner, but she didn’t always know what was best for me. “Children are a big responsibility. That’s all I’m trying to say.”
“I know. And there’s a lot that would need to be worked out. I’m not saying we will work it out or that we’d even want to.” But the more time I spent with Gabriel, the more time I wanted to spend with him and the less I looked forward to leaving at the end of the summer. “I’m just saying that we don’t need to think about that now. And if in the future we do want to think about it, we can deal with it then.”
“I want you to be happy. But more than that, I want you to know what’s possible.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Tammy Greenfield’s the perfect example. She’s the happiest woman at the Sunshine Trailer Park, am I right?”
“Absolutely.” Tammy was a cheerleader in high school. She married the quarterback. They had three children. They both had jobs and their trailer was the nicest one on the street. “She’s got reasons to be happy.”
“She does,” Hollie agreed. “But you can bet she’s not going to feel the way you did when you went into the Pantheon or when you saw Big Ben. Tammy has made lemonade out of lemons, but I don’t want you to have lemons to begin with. I want you to know what’s out there and then choose what will make you happy. You’ve always been so good at making the best of what we had. You were always the one who could get me to look on the bright side. But I don’t want you to have to. I don’t want you to make do when it comes to your future.”
I could accuse Hollie of being an interfering, overprotective big sister, but when she said stuff like that, I couldn’t do anything but love her for all of it. “I’m so lucky to have you as a sister.”
“Not as lucky as me.”
“I don’t want you to think I don’t get it. I understand what you’re saying. But we’re not in Oregon anymore. You coming to London showed me that anything is possible. And we got out. Both of us. I’m not going to end up like Tammy Greenfield. It’s already way too late for that. I promise you.”
“Well, if you ever dare to dye your hair that circus red, I’m going to disown you.”
“If I make you a promise that my hair is never going to be anything like Tammy’s, can you try to be just a little supportive of me sleeping with my married, single father, much-older-than-me boss?” I started to chuckle as my description of Gabriel laid bare so many of the obstacles to us having a future together.
“Oh my God, Autumn. Nothing’s ever straightforward, is it?”
“That’s the way life is. And look how it turned out for you,” I said, peering out the window as we pulled up in front of the Savoy.
“I could never have even dared dream that someone like Dexter would love me, or that I would love anyone as much as I love him. I want that for you too, Autumn.”
“Same, sis.” I didn’t dare let myself think about loving Gabriel. For now, I was happy to be happy. Happy to be with him. Happy to feel as good as I did when we were together. Before today, I’d only had a trickle of thoughts about my feelings for Gabriel and what the future might hold. Talking about it with Hollie had made it clear that deep down, in the bottom of my heart, I was holding back a tidal wave.
Twenty
Gabriel
I padded downstairs to the smell of Autumn’s cooking, having just put Bethany to bed. Weekends, when I got to see my daughter from the moment she woke up to the moment she went to bed, were what I lived for.