'But,' the abbot smiled angelically, like an old warhorse you say “haha!” at the sound of trumpets, yes?'
'I don't think so,' said Lu-Tze. 'There's nothing funny about trumpets, really.'
'I meant that you long to be out in the field again. But you have been helping to train world operatives for many years, haven't you? These gentlemen?' A number of burly and muscular monks were sitting on one side of the room. They were kitted out for travel, with rolled sleeping mats on their backs, and dressed in loose black clothing. They nodded sheepishly at Lu-Tze, and their eyes above their half-masks looked embarrassed. 'I did my best,' said Lu-Tze. 'Of course, others trained them. I just tried to undo the damage. I never taught them to be ninjas.' He nudged Lobsang. 'That, apprentice, is Agatean for “the Passing Wind”,' he said, in a stage whisper. 'I am proposing to send them out immediately WAH!' The abbot hit his highchair with his spoon. 'That is my order, Lu-Tze. You are a legend, but you have been a legend for a long time. Why not trust in the future? Bikkit!'
'I see,' said Lu-Tze sadly. 'Oh, well, it had to happen some time. Thank you for your consideration, your reverence.'
'Brrmbrrm ... Lu-Tze, I have known you a long time! You will not go within a hundred miles of Uberwald, will you?'
'Not at all, your reverence.'
'That is an order!'
'I understand, of course.'
'You've disobeyed my baababa orders before, though. In Omnia, I remember.'
'Tactical decision made by the man on the spot, your reverence. It was more what you might call an interpretation of your order,' said Lu-Tze.
'You mean, going where you had distinctly been told not to go and doing what you were absolutely forbidden to do?'
'Yes, your reverence. Sometimes you have to move the seesaw by pushing the other end. When I did what shouldn't be done in a place where I shouldn't have been, I achieved what needed to be done in the place where it should have happened.' The abbot gave Lu-Tze a long hard stare, the kind that babies are good at giving. 'Lu-Tze, you are not nmnmnbooboo to go to Uberwald or anywhere near Uberwald, understand?' he said. 'I do, your reverence. You are right, of course. But, in my dotage, may I travel another path, of wisdom rather than violence? I wish to show this young man... the Way.' There was laughter from the other monks. 'The Way of the Washerwoman?' said Rinpo. 'Mrs Cosmopilite is a dressmaker,' said Lu-Tze calmly. 'Whose wisdom is in sayings like “It won't get better if you pick at it”?' said Rinpo, winking at the rest of the monks. 'Few things get better if you pick at them,' said Lu-Tze, and now his calmness was a lake of tranquillity. 'It may be a mean little Way but, small and unworthy though it is, it is my Way.' He turned to the abbot. 'That was how it used to be, your reverence. You recall? Master and pupil go out into the world, where the pupil may pick up practical instruction by precept and example, and then the pupil finds his own Way and at the end of his Way-'
'-he finds himself bdum,' said the abbot. 'First, he finds a teacher,' said Lu-Tze. 'He is lucky that you will bdumbdum be that teacher.'
'Reverend sir,' said Lu-Tze. 'It is in the nature of Ways that none can be sure who the teacher may be. All I can do is show him a path.'
'Which will be in the direction of bdum the city,' said the abbot. 'Yes,' said Lu-Tze. 'And Ankh-Morpork is a long way from Uberwald. You won't send me to Uberwald because I am an old man. So, in all respect, I beg you to humour an old man.'
'I have no choice, when you put it like that,' said the abbot. 'Reverend sir-' began Rinpo, who felt that he did. The spoon was banged on the tray again. 'Lu-Tze is a man of high reputation!' the abbot shouted. 'I trust him implicitly to do the correct action! I just wish I could blumblum trust him
to do what I blumblum want! I have forbidden him to go to Uberwald! Now do you wish me to forbid him not to go to Uberwald? BIKKIT! I have spoken! And now, will all you gentlemen be so good as to leave? I have urgent business to attend to.' Lu-Tze bowed and grabbed Lobsang's arm. 'Come on, lad!' he whispered. 'Let's bugger off quick before anyone works it out!' On the way out they passed a lesser acolyte carrying a small potty with a pattern of bunny rabbits around it. 'It's not easy, reincarnating,' said Lu-Tze, running down the corridor. 'Now we've got to be out of here before someone gets any funny ideas. Grab your bag and bedroll!'
'But no one would countermand the abbot's orders, would they?' said Lobsang, as they skidded round a corner. 'Ha! It'll be his nap in ten minutes and if they give him a new toy when he wakes up he might end up being so busy banging square green pegs into round blue holes that he'll forget what he said,' said Lu-Tze. 'Politics, lad. Too many idiots will start saying what they're sure the abbot would have meant. Off you go, now. I'll see you in the Garden of Five Surprises in one minute.' When Lobsang arrived Lu-Tze was carefully tying one of the bonsai mountains into a bamboo framework. He fastened the last knot and placed it in a bag over one shoulder. 'Won't it get damaged?' said Lobsang. 'It's a mountain. How can it get damaged?' Lu-Tze picked up his broom. 'And we'll just drop in and have a chat with an old mate of mine before we leave, though. Maybe we'll pick up some stuff.'
'What's going on, Sweeper?' said Lobsang, trailing after him. 'Well, it's like this, lad. Me and the abbot and the bloke we're going to see, we go back a long way. Things are a bit different now. The abbot can't just say, “Lu-Tze, you are an old rogue, it was you who put the idea of Uberwald into everyone's heads in the first place, but I see you're onto something so off you go and follow your nose.”'
'But I thought he was the supreme ruler!'
'Exactly! And it's very hard to get things done when you're a supreme ruler. There're too many people in the way, mucking things up. This way, the new lads can have fun running around Uberwald going, “Hai!” and we, my lad, will be heading for Ankh-Morpork. The abbot knows that. Almost knows that.'
'How do you know the new clock is being built in Ankh Morpork?' said Lobsang, trailing behind Lu-Tze as he took a mossy, sunken path that led through rhododendron thickets to the monastery wall.
'I know. I'll tell you, the day someone pulls the plug out of the bottom of the universe, the chain will lead all the way to Ankh-Morpork and some bugger saying, “I just wanted to see what would happen.” All roads lead to Ankh-Morpork.'
'I thought all roads led away from Ankh-Morpork.'
'Not the way we're going. Ah, here we are.' Lu-Tze knocked on the door of a rough but large shed built right up against the wall. At the same moment there was an explosion within and someone - Lobsang corrected himself - half of someone tumbled very fast out of the unglazed window beside it and hit the path with bone-cracking force. Only when it stopped rolling did he realize that it was a wooden dummy in a monk's robe. 'Qu's having fun, I see,' said Lu-Tze. He hadn't moved as the dummy had sailed past his ear. The door burst open and a plump old monk looked out excitedly. 'Did you see that? Did you see that?' he said. 'And that was with just one spoonful!' He nodded at them. 'Oh, hello, Lu-Tze. I was expecting you. I've got some things ready.'
'Got what?' said Lobsang. 'Who's the boy?' said Qu, ushering them in. 'The untutored child is called Lobsang,' said Lu-Tze, looking around the shed. There was a smoking circle on the stone floor, with drifts of blackened sand around it. 'New toys, Qu?'
'Exploding mandala,' said Qu happily, bustling forward. 'Just sprinkle the special sand on a simple design anywhere you like, and the first enemy to walk on it- Bang, instant karma! Don't touch that!' Lu-Tze reached across and snatched from Lobsang's inquisitive hands the begging bowl that he had just picked up from a table. 'Remember Rule One,' he said, and hurled the bowl across the room. Hidden blades slid out as it spun, and the bowl buried itself in a beam. 'That would take a man's head right off!' said Lobsang. And then they heard the faint ticking. '... three, four, five...' said Qu. 'Everybody duck... Now!' Lu-Tze pushed Lobsang to the floor a moment before the bowl exploded. Metal fragments scythed overhead. 'I added just a little something extra since you last saw it,' said Qu proudly, as they got to their feet again. 'A very versatile device. Plus, of course, you can use it to eat rice out of. Oh, and have you seen this?' He picked up a prayer drum. Both Lu-Tze and Lobsang took a step back.
Qu twirled the drum a few times, and the weighted cords pattered against the skins. 'The cord can be instantly removed for a handy garotte,' he said, 'and the drum itself can be removed - like so - to reveal this useful dagger.'
'Plus, of course, you can use it to pray with?' said Lobsang. 'Well spotted,' said Qu. 'Quick boy. A prayer is always useful in the last resort. In fact we've been working on a very promising mantra incorporating sonic tones that have a particular effect on the human nervous syst-'
'I don't think we need any of this stuff, Qu,' said Lu-Tze. Qu sighed. 'At least you could let us turn your broom into a secret weapon, Lu-Tze. I've shown you the plans-'